~Life's Quintessential Moments~

Just Stand Up

2008-11-11T13:56:00.004+08:00

The heart is stronger than you think
It's like it can go through anything
And even when you think it can't
It finds a way to still push on, though

Sometimes you want to run away
Ain't got the patience for the pain
And if you don't believe it
Look into your heart
The beat goes on

***
I'm tellin' you that
Things get better through whatever
If you fall, dust it off
Don't let up

Don't you know
You can go be your own miracle
You need to know

If the mind keeps thinking you've had enough
But the heart keeps telling you don't give up
Who are we to be questioning, wondering what is what
Don't give up
Through it all
Just stand up

It's like we all have better days
Problems getting all up in your face
Just because you go through it
Don't mean it got to take control, no

You ain't gotta find no hiding place
Because the heart can beat the hate
Don't wanna let your mind keep playin' you
And sayin' you can't go on

***

You don't gotta be a prisoner in your mind
If you fall dust it off
You can live your life
Let your heart be your guide
And you will know that you're good
If you trust in the good
Everything will be alright
Light up the dark if you follow your heart
And it will get better
Through whatever

***

You got it in you
Find it within
You got in now
Find it within now

Everything is Beautiful

2008-10-28T23:01:00.005+08:00

The time has come for you to explore the world
So spread those wings and soar on high
Don't you worry as I will hold your hand
As we discover that life is indeed grand.

In just a few days, my little princess will turn one. That means this time last year she was still in my womb...all cozy and waiting to come out to greet the world. That the only contact I had with her was holding my tummy and feeling her move around. A kick here, a nudge there. That the closest communication was feeling her heartbeat. Such a soothing rhythm. A constant reminder that I am responsible for this little one's life.

That means that it is almost a year since I heard her first cry, since I first saw her when they put her against my cheek, since I first held her tiny little body against mine. All the challenges and hardship suddenly disappeared. There was a feeling of calmness, of new found strength.

That means it has been months when I witnessed her first smile, her first roll over, her first tooth, her first meal, her first crawl, her first words. With every little new thing, joyful tears streamed. There was a sense of fulfillment, of blissful satisfaction.

That means I was there during her first bout of colds, cough, fever, rash, diarrhea, constipation, and all those illnesses that are new to her. I felt so helpless that the only thing I could do was hug her and whisper to her that everything will be all right. And at the same time I was praying to God to guide me. And He did. As always.

Looking back, it was just beautiful.

And everything is still beautiful.

It was just days ago that this once-very-helpless darling started walking. And with each step, I could not help but sacrifice a tear. I am so proud of her. She has grown so much in such a short span of time. And I was there to see everything.

On sabbatical no more...

2008-10-14T02:05:00.005+08:00

It has been one whole year since I've last written here. Yes, I write...for other people. That's work. This is different. These entries contain the very essence of my journey. They reflect who I am.

This just goes to show that it has been one year since I sat down, pondered, and jotted down my thoughts. Goes to show how difficult it has been to get back on track. Goes to show how long it took to get things in order. As it turned out, I needed more servings of patience, perseverance, willpower, and strength than I thought!

Let me jumpstart and sort things in my head...it still gets pretty chaotic up there sometimes.

Three Showers for a Baby :)

2007-10-22T01:28:00.000+08:00

No one has ever thrown me a party before...much more three for one occasion! It crossed my mind to organize my own baby shower but I guess there came no push from within strong enough to make me actually do it. So I let it go.

Surprised was I to learn that someone close to my heart (as she is like a sister to me), together with her mom in the US, was brewing something up. All I had to do was come up with a guest list and that's it. So it wasn't a surprise party in its very essence because I know the when-where-who but all the other elements were kept from me. The afternoon turned out really well what with the yummy food (which made me come back for more), the games (which made me really excited), and the gifts (which brought me closer to reality that I am about to give birth soon). I was (and still am) moved by everything...I really loved it!

All the while I was thinking that a baby shower is a girls-only thing. It was quite difficult not to include my one and only brother, girlfriends' significant others, and my peers (most of which were boys) from high school and college in the abovementioned shower. Then an idea struck one-third of the trio and she decided to organize another shower a week later with our high school barkada. Simple gathering at our friend's condo. More catching up since I had been out of reach for several months. Great pizza, fantastic cake, and a lot of unique recipes for tuna and sky flakes combo--care of the guys who would try anything to please their hunger!

Just when I thought I had been so lucky for having two baby showers, something unexpected happened. It was the usual Sunday morning. I was checking my email when a chat window popped up; it was my dear sister in the US inviting for voice and webcam chat. Very surprised was I to see my family and relatives holding up a streamer, balloons, gifts, and other party stuff...greeting and congratulating me. I instantly got teary eyed...I miss them so much and for them to do that was really beyond what I would ever expect. Now that was truly my first ever surprise party...a virtual one at that. One by one they showed me their gifts and well wishes. I was amazed when I learned they even had games and everybody had fun!

----------
Truth be told that I had to fight back tears a number of times because I really felt overwhelmed. Despite some being of "less happy" origin brought about by loneliness and longing for the ideal scenario, most of my tears were of happy origin because I truly felt important, loved, and cared for by my friends, my family, and those who treat me like family (I appreciate all of you). I am happy knowing that my little girl will be blessed with wonderful people. I can never thank you enough (and you know who you are) for making me feel this way :)

Maybe...maybe not.

2007-09-24T01:16:00.001+08:00

He is tall with his built fit for his height. He is a funny and fun guy--every one who knows him and spends time with him will give the same testimonial. He likes to take things slow and prefers a relaxed pace by lounging around and playing video games.

She, on the other hand, has a frame that can easily be lost in his hugging arms. She, too, is a fun girl but a few notches below his caliber--let's just say they complement each other. She is quite domesticated and likes to keep things clean and organized.

They have a seemingly perfect relationship. They have a cozy and warm place together (read: they are living in). They are in love.

And then it happened.

According to him, she nags. According to her, he is being inconsiderate. Complaints were thrown back and forth. Then it worsened. Not only were words volleyed but as well as actions that were meant to spite...with each one outweighing the previous. Being the person that he is, he partied...hard. Not saying that he was happy but he was trying to cope with the hurt his own way. She started dating but not intending to find love; she wanted him to notice her. As they say, actions speak louder than words. And they truly did...with vengeance.

Amidst the chaos, she realized she wanted him back. She waited in vain but he flaked. Pride? Maybe. But regardless of his reason, it hurt her...so much. His realization came in much later but he is too-late-a-hero...She doesn't want him back despite his efforts to change and be a better person for her. And this, too, regardless of her reason, hurt him...so much. They parted ways before they could kill each other (as if they are not already dead with their hearts stabbed a hundred times and wrung out dry of compassion and love).

Years later, him being a renewed man who is now more responsible and her having a different approach to life, they crossed paths. They exchanged hello's and how-are-you's. Then they continued to walk down their respective paths.

----------
And that's how The Breakup (Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston movie) ended. No reconciliation. No they-lived-happily-ever-after cliche ending. Wait...let me rephrase that: Gary and Brooke DID live happily ever after...just not as a couple. Maybe it's for the better...maybe not.

I yet have to figure out if the ending to MY story will indeed be for the better. Until then, the cameras will continue to roll...

The Tree and The Folder

2007-08-16T13:54:00.001+08:00

A few years back when my dad visited from the US, we attended a family reunion. You see this side has not really been mastered inasmuch as my mom's. We try everytime but they're just too many...plus the fact that you can't base the relationship on age alone--some of the young-looking ones are already my aunts/uncles while those "more mature"-looking ones (I'm trying not to step on any nerve here hehe) are my nephews/nieces. Weird. I have relatives that I won't be able to recognize if we cross paths in a mall or at some event. Sad.

In an attempt to educate everyone, they posted a huge canvass of our family tree. Literally a tree with branches, leaves, fruits. What an effort! Of course the tendency was to look for our branch. Then there it was. His name. I was in shock...and I bet he was, too. I was thinking, "How the...How do they know? They just met him today!" Then I looked over to my dad and he was smiling. My eyes welled up. I hugged him. He approves. He's giving me away even before my hand gets asked and adorns a ring! He trusts him enough to immortalize our relationship on The Tree. Wow.

It seemed like yesterday, but that was years back. Wake up.

A month ago, it was the birthday of my mom's uncle. They are the remaining relatives we have here on my mom's side on account of everybody's in the US. In light of this, the small gathering turned out to be a family reunion...of less than 20 people...of 3 generations. For this side of the family, the supposedly grammas and grampas by generation got stuck with the generation title of the past because we call them aunts and uncles. After all these years, they don't seem to mind...I think they actually prefer it that way--probably a therapy of some sort to make them feel younger. I don't know. So, my mom's uncle who celebrated his birthday is still "uncle" to us. Furthermore, my mom's mother is called Mommy Lola by everybody. Good idea--combine two generation titles in one. Convenient.

As opposed to my dad's side, this clan's structure is clearer in my mind...albeit Mommy Lola's 11 children, a myriad of us grandchildren, and still-growing number of great grandchildren. The delineation was quite clear but it's still a challenge to recall names and birthdays up to now.

One of our uncles (should be "lolo") at the party brought out a folder to which papers were fastened. He wanted us to go through it and edit as needed. And yes, it was an attempt to document 7 (I repeat...seven) generations of typewritten, not printed, names. I can only go as far as Mommy Lola's generation...there were three more levels beyond hers that are unknown to me.

I quickly scanned for my name's spelling to get it over with. And then it hit me...flashback of The Tree incident at my dad's side's reunion years ago. Only now the memory didn't bring happiness. But sadness. A great amount of it.

I tried to evade The Folder. Why? Because there were two blank lines after my name. I perfectly knew what they were for. The second line can be left blank for a few months; but Uncle (Lolo) wants me to fill in the first blank. I chose not to show my raw emotions so I tried to laugh it off, make comments, throw my alibi that it was unnecessary, stand up to get a munchie (even if I was too full) in an attempt to peel away from the group gathering around The Folder. But Uncle has a way of finding me. Darn. So I sat down, took a deep breath (several actually) as I tried to stabilize my hand, and then I finally wrote it. His name. Another act of immortalization. I left my name untouched. No hyphen. No new surname. Stabbing pain in the chest...ouch...make it stop...please.

The Tree assumed...The Folder will tell the truth.

Diamonds in the Dust

2007-08-02T18:49:00.000+08:00

As I was going through my stuff that had been in my room for years, I realized one thing--I'm a keeper of clutter...a clutter keeper. I guess it started when my mom (such a phenomenal woman) kept and eventually handed me the hospital documents plus both our bracelets (the plastic ones they strap on you when you're admitted) from Manila Doctors--the hospital where I was born :)

I then began holding on to bits and pieces of anything: Class pictures from prep, grade school, and high school days in Zobel. Report cards and honor certificates (okay I admit, I was a geek then). Wallet-sized pictures with generic dedication saying, "please keep this picture as a simple remembrance...keep in touch." Retreat letters, write-ups for yearbook, birthday greeting cards, and simple notes. Invitations and favors from debuts. Travel papers, brochures, and tickets from when we went to Australia and Singapore for volleyball. Cheerleading outfit which I'm proud to say I designed with the help of my sister. Stamp collection. And photos of my "nene" days from class performances to prom night :)

Even as I lived away from home all throughout college, I managed to bring back my books, handouts, and class cards from UP, complete with administration letters and receipts (how I wish the tuition fee will still be the same years from now). Also intact were the thesis materials my partner and I painstakingly accomplished (what was it about again? haha!) Oh...and I still have my DLSU papers to remind me that I should've been a graduate of BS Math majoring in Actuarial Science and Computer Application (or something like that) but I had to refund my tuition days before classes start and be an Iskolar ng Bayan majoring in Biology. I remember my dad (such a great pillar of my life) freaked out finding out that I passed UPCAT without telling him--truly my bad. What hit me was when I opened this envelope containing my NMAT results--it sent me back to the I-should've-been-a-doctor island. If only...sigh...

I also stumbled upon The Box. This came to be when I became aware and involved with the matters of the heart. There I found letters, cards, photos, gifts (even gift tags), trinkets, and all sorts of memorabilia from those I found love (or so it seemed) and eventually lost. I was never the type who'll go all emotional, tearing or burning stuff. Symbolic for some but not for me. I just never saw the point. I am too sentimental. I want to preserve them until...I get married. If only...(another) sigh...

Overall, it was a great experience to have my life flashed before me...literally. I daydreamed, smiled, slumped, had teary eyes, giggled. I realized that all those bits and pieces when they come together constitute who I am. They are what I call diamonds in the dust. Most people pass up the chance to carefully examine life's elements which get neglected, considered irrelevant, and thrown away. They may remind us of heartaches, shame, regret that we don't want to relive but these are just dust. What we need to look for are the diamonds waiting to glisten. Pick them up, dust them, and appreciate their beauty :)

Now that I'm embarking on a new chapter in my life, I felt the need to let go and just hang on to the more meaningful ones which I can share with my baby in the future :)

I got rid of my clutter...in order to make space for baby's. What can I say...I am a clutter keeper :)

Northbound

2007-07-23T18:15:00.001+08:00

Just a few good things lately but a whole bunch of great memories from the distant past. Yes, I'm sentimental...that's because I value friendships--most of which lasting more than a decade now. It's my choice to keep them and it's my decision to nurture the bond.

I have been out of (let's term it) hiding for several weeks now. I became visible (and audible) again after months of dormancy. During this time I reconnected with a couple of good friends I've lost touch with for quite a long time--a product of maturity, I must say. In order to get things back on track, there was only one solution...a reunion! A unity of three individuals with seemingly different backgrounds sharing the same sentiments.

Two of us residing in Manila left at dawn for a road trip to Pangasinan (north Luzon) to reconnect with the last element of the triad. It was the day after his birthday...a surprise in effect; he didn't know I was going to visit him. I sure beat his plans of him visiting me here in Manila (sneaky ol' me hehe). To sort of measure the time we haven't seen each other, that birthday boy is already married with two beautiful kids! Time really flies so fast when you're busy making something out of your life; before you know it, you're not only flipping a page or two of your planner but you have to toss the entire calendar!

After spending the entire day chatting, eating, more chatting, and a whole lot of eating, it was time to head back...to end the gluttony. Oh, come on, don't believe me.... After my well-deserved south-bound road trip nap we made a detour to Clark, Pampanga. But since the tax-free shops were already closed and it was already dinner time, we ate. (Justified, right? hehe)

Aside from the famous processed meat (Pampanga's Best tocino, longganisa, etc.), Pampanga is known for its sisig. And yes it was the best...together with bulalo and papaitan! (Please don't scold me for eating cholesterol-"blessed" food...I had to...I was out of town! hehe) We ate at this place at the heart of the soldiers' residences. I didn't mind the ambience (or lack of it) as I was having the time of my life! :)

Not only did I reconnect with my old buds, I got to be a kid again--gaping at the scenery of lush greens, animals, wide horizon, vendors and peddlers; and anticipating to taste the town's specialties. I brought home dozens of what they called "tupig" from Pangasinan--it's like suman with coconut strips. They smell so good and taste heavenly! :)

I really enjoy provincial road trips. Maybe because I grew up without a province to come home to during special occasions, fiestas, and holidays. I'm a "Manilenya"...a born city girl with a constant yearn to get out of the city :)

Milestones

2007-07-23T18:15:00.000+08:00

May - 4th month
No more dizziness. No more woes. No more morning sickness blues! :)

I heard my baby's hearbeat for the first time--a confirmation that something alive is inside of me. The first few beats instantly turned my tear factory into high gear! Man, I couldn't stop my tears! I didn't think it would have such a huge impact because I was not exactly looking and feeling un-pregnant that I needed a confirmation. But to actually HEAR the rhythmic beat of life is a momentous event. No one can blame me for overreacting...it was just so wonderful :)

June - 5th month
Patience is a virtue.

The wait at the clinic was unusually long. For some strange reason, a whole lot of people were lined up to see my doctor on that day. Hmmm...why are all these women going for an OB consult today? Weird. Is it really the fertility year as many people have observed? (Well, that's another topic.)

What made the wait worthwhile was this little boy about 5 years old. He took an instant liking in me. Whenever he would talk, he would hold my arm or my shoulder making sure that I was listening to his stories or queries on Spiderman 3 (which I never saw), Trinoma (which I've never been), and tons of things he found amusing. He shared what his favorite car is, the directions to his house, where his tita works, etc. He was also curious where I live, study, my favorite food, and he was even inquisitive about my tummy and what's inside. (It's amazing how minds of children work!) He then left my side to be with his mom, dad and brother. But before he left the clinic, he went back and sang me a song. Now wasn't that lovely? He left me there smiling...I'll soon have my own 5-year-old and I'll try my best to answer all the questions :)

Then came the ultrasound. Oh, it was just breathtaking! It was one of those moments you'd want time to freeze and wait for you to snap out of it--yes, Aia, it's true that you're carrying a tiny human being inside your growing belly. Another confirmation. Another bout of tear production. It's one thing to hear and it's another to SEE what's inside! Even if the gender was not confirmed, I could never be more happy and more relieved to find out that things are normal (you see I wasn't exactly living a healthy lifestyle until it really dawned on me that I'll be a momma soon, which was what several weeks into the pregnancy.)

July - 6th month
I've got you under my skin...

Not only have I seen and heard my little one, now I can FEEL the kicks and punches; and twists and turns--a strong baby this one! These are the times when you'd see me looking down, holding my tummy, and smiling. I enjoy anticipating each movement and watching the waves on my belly, especially after eating a hearty meal or drinking a glass of milk. Even if sometimes it startles me or hurts, it's okay...I just think of it as mi bebe's way of saying, "hi momma!" :)

Cheers to the last trimester...!

Knowing the Difference

2007-07-21T00:56:00.000+08:00

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

I had a good and rather interesting talk with a friend whom I've known for quite a while but had lost contact in the recent years. As we reminisced from the time we met to the time we drifted, I can't help but feel a sting...because his presence in my life is meaningfully intertwined with all the memories I've treasured and will forever cherish. He is who I consider a very down-to-earth person whose principles and values are intact. His faith is strong. His perseverance is unsurmountable.

We exchanged stories and milestones that shaped us to who we are at present. I poured my heart's content--my hopes, my prayers, my struggles, my hurt--while he intently listened. With every minute I spent talking, I figured deep in his thoughts he was trying to find the right words to say to comfort me, to alleviate the pain, to side with me, to make me smile. But he did not do that. Instead he dished out the truth not on a silver platter (like how other people would). He had the let's-face-it-stop-being-a-martyr tone. It was pretty harsh but I knew I had to hear it over and over. And to soften the blow, our conversation centered on having faith in Him and allowing Him to steer the wheel, which I'm gradually learning. He gave me words of wisdom, thoughts to ponder, metaphors to reflect.

God, give me the courage to change the things I should. And give me the wisdom to accept the things that You don't want changed.

You Know Who You Are

2007-07-18T22:32:00.000+08:00

Thank you for the invitation. Regardless of the twisted situation, the gesture is very heartwarming. The way you held on to me through my embarassing moment of weakness, telling me with just your eyes how everything will be alright, reassuring me that I am loved--these and more I will never forget :)

Thank you for letting me think out loud. I need those moments to be sane, otherwise I'll just go crazy. I appreciate the way you had been impartial as you listened to my what-ifs. I need to talk to more people like you--for balance because i already have a number of people on my bitter bandwagon :)

Thank you for being genuinely friendly and accepting. Yes, we already know each but only to a certain extent--i.e., virtually--and to have the opportunity to actually get to know you is just amazing! When you hugged me that first time, it felt so wonderful. I really would love to spend more time with you :)

Thank you for taking the time to talk to me on the phone that day. You've always been there to support me and to give me strength. I have always looked up to you for being such a strong person. I admire your honesty. You are one of those people who inspire me that there will indeed be a silver lining...in time :)

Thank you for welcoming me with open arms. It has been quite a while since we last saw each other. And I really missed you--each one of you. Seeing you brought back a lot of great memories. Yes, you're right...there were times that I felt awkward for being there but when you acknowledged my presence, welcomed me, and prayed for me, it was the greatest feeling! I will truly appreciate those times you held my hand and hugged me because you made me feel that no matter the distance (which is compounded by the situation) I know you'll be there...ready to uplift my spirits. You may not know this but you've taught me how to trust in Him in a more meaningful level. You're all very wonderful and understanding. And I can't express enough how much I love you :)

"Things happen for a reason"

2007-07-05T16:47:00.000+08:00

Yeah right. Then what is the reason behind the year that was and the year that is?

Let's begin with 2006: I had things going great--i had a job that I love and i had someone whom I love. I had a flourishing love life most people envy. We didn't have all the riches in the world but we can afford simple getaways and sometimes lavish treats. We spend quality time with both families. Perfect. Of course after nearly five years, there were already pangs of monotony and longing for excitement. But that was that. No biggie. It's normal for every couple.

At least that's what I thought.

Twists and turns were constantly shaking the foundation that before the year ended it crashed. More like imploded. Truly unexpected. Every thing soon after was a blur. All I could think of is ending the year and looking forward to the new one...in hopes of turning a new leaf altogether.

So at the stroke of midnight, I felt hope that life can still be better. It's already 2007. A sigh of relief. A breath of fresh air. A soothing hug and the look of love. That the past year became a huge sign from above--I should learn from those twists and turns and things will be alright. Maybe that was the "reason."

At least that's what I thought.

It's still 2007. And you guessed it right--things are not better. Hope is thinning out. My sighs are not those of relief. I breathe all but fresh air. And the hugs I must say are still soothing but only to compensate for the lack (and no longer the look) of love. No matter which angle I choose, I still cannot grasp the "reason."

To Whom It May Concern:

2007-06-29T11:26:00.000+08:00

I am truly sorry for disappearing and being out of reach for the past months. This is what actually happened:

Last March, I told the team (at work) I'm pregnant. Given that my teammates were all guys, I felt the need to make them understand what to expect of me in the next months--fatigued and exhausted that I could no longer stay late in the office; out of focus or less concentrated given my hormones are out of whack; and a whole lot of things. Those times that I would not be at my desk maybe you were thinking that I was downstairs smoking, but the truth is I was vomiting and/or taking catnaps in the restroom! Shameful to admit but that was how my body was reacting to this whole change.

By April, I was really having a terrible pregnancy--morning sickness and all those symptoms at its peak! There'd be mornings where I'd be on my way to work then halfway through I'd have to take a cab going back home because I was feeling really sick and about to faint. Then I'd call in sick. I wanted to take two days off from work to re-energize and be fresh for the incoming week--the week when I planned to make my grand announcement.

I thought the boss would understand. Apparently not.

He then sends me all these messages--that he already made a decision because the team cannot depend on the uncertainties of my predicament (meaning my pregnancy) and that I should turn over office equipment immediately. What an a$s!!!

And then I fell into the blackhole of depression.

As you all know, I was living alone so getting eaten up by depression was rather easy. I didn't have the energy and guts to tell a single soul; let alone to cry. I lived a life of seclusion for weeks--dazed and harboring anger, worthlessness, self pity, hurt--until a friend came by. Instantly I became weak and cried myself a river. I was vulnerable. Everything after was a blur. All I could remember was waking up crying and going to sleep crying. A lot of things came into play--I was pregnant and unemployed. I knew then I could no longer maintain my apartment so I moved back.

By May, I gathered enough courage to do the right thing. File a labor case. So I did...all the way in QC! In the process, I had to talk to a lot of people for legal counseling. I had to be quiet about all this and not tell anyone connected (even in the minutest way) in the office. I did not want him to flee; I wanted him to be caught off guard.

By June, I became busy preparing--studying my rights, overcoming the dreaded what-ifs--and going to hearings. Until its conclusion days ago.

I am still pregnant and unemployed.

But this time I'm smiling :)

Let me burst your bubble...or not.

2007-06-26T19:27:00.000+08:00

Are we living in a fantasy world? Do we compare life as it is written in scripts? Do we emulate those characters and wish we think the way they do--that we have the same fate as they had? There are just some scenes better left in the movies than to be tried in real life--they are just more acceptable where the lights and music are adjusted and the mood is let's just say perfect.

Scenario: Do you gush the same way while watching a movie when you see a couple lip-locking out in public? Or do you quietly say to yourself "geez get a room!" Did you have time to think that maybe, just maybe, there is a romantic story seconds before that saliva exchange? That maybe in that moment they are zoned out, not seeing the passersby, listening to music playing in their heads. I guess not.

Another: Do you sing with the rest of those happy strangers on the next table as they belt out a tune they just love? Or do you roll your eyes and clench your teeth as you restrict yourself from standing and shutting them up?

And another: Would you appreciate someone dancing on the streets, smiling, and happily greeting strangers on his way? Or do you mistake him for a looney?

I am not out to burst anybody's fantasy bubble. I am just here to understand why things are more acceptable in movies--mindset, culture, morals, values. And why these things seldom, if not never, get accepted off screen. We all feel for this character who appears so perfect in the arms of another. We cheer and hope that they live happily ever after...but do we stop and think about the fact that he/she is being unfaithful, dishonest, and inconsiderate? That despite the romance, it is what it is...an affair. Careless. Hurtful.

Admit it: We shift our morals during these moments. We get blinded by so many things. I think this is precisely the reason why people go astray. Why during decision-making we tend to choose poorly based on values and go for what brings thrill. Why amidst the greater weight of right versus wrong we still end up picking the latter. Why in this period we live in where things are widely and openly accepted I still yearn for answers...

Truth

2007-03-26T14:52:00.000+08:00

It doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood... and how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy... and sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door...

And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new... and you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again... and little pieces of your soul will finally come back... and all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade.

(~The Holiday)

The Road to Realization

2007-03-23T14:52:00.000+08:00

All because the feeling's there, the feeling's real, the feeling's overwhelming...

At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy. That's how we're made. So, you can waste your lives drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them. But there are some lines... that are way too dangerous to cross.

Maybe we like the pain. Maybe we're wired that way. Because without it, I don't know; maybe we just wouldn't feel real. What's that saying? Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop.

Intimacy is a four syllable word for, "Here's my heart and soul, please grind them into hamburger, and enjoy." It's both desired, and feared. Difficult to live with, and impossible to live without. Intimacy also comes attached to the three R's... relatives, romance, and roommates. There are some things you can't escape. And other things you just don't want to know.

I just need something to happen, I need a sign that things are going to change. I need a reason to go on. I need some hope! And in the absence of hope, I need to stay in bed a feel like I'm going to die today.

Pain, you just have to ride it out, hope it goes away on its own, hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions, no easy answers, you just breathe deep and wait for it to subside. Most of the time pain can be managed but sometimes the pain gets you where you least expect it. Hits way below the belt and doesn't let up. Pain, you just have to fight through, because the truth is you can't outrun it and life always makes more.

Sometimes reality has a way of sneaking up and biting us in the ass. And when the dam bursts, all you can do is swim. The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon. We can only lie to ourselves for so long. We are tired, we are scared, denying it doesn't change the truth. Sooner or later we have to put aside our denial and face the world. Head on, guns blazing. De Nile. It's not just a river in Egypt, it's a freakin' ocean. So how do you keep from drowning in it?

There's something to be said about a glass half full. About knowing when to say when. I think it's a floating line. A barometer of need and desire. It's entirely up to the individual. And depends on what's being poured. Sometimes all we want is a taste. Other times there's no such thing as enough, the glass is bottomless. And all we want, is more.

At the end of the day, there are some things you just can't help but talk about. Some things we just don't want to hear, and some things we say because we can't be silent any longer. Some things are more than what you say, they're what you do. Some things you say cause there's no other choice. Some things you keep to yourself. And not too often, but every now and then, some things simply speak for themselves.

How do you know when how much is too much? Too much too soon. Too much information. Too much fun. Too much love. Too much to ask... And when is it all just too much to bear?

Okay, here it is, your choice... it's simple, her or me, and I'm sure she is really great. But [], I love you, in a really, really big pretend-to-like-your-taste-in-music, let-you-eat-the-last piece-of-cheesecake, hold-a-radio-over-my-head-outside-your-window, unfortunate-way-that-makes-me-hate-you, love you. So pick me, choose me, love me.

(~Dr. Meredith Grey, Grey's Anatomy)

Way Back Into Love

2007-03-09T17:23:00.000+08:00

I’ve been living with a shadow, over head
I’ve been sleeping with a cloud, above my bed
I’ve been lonely for so long
Trapped in the past, I just can’t seem to move on

I’ve been hiding all my hopes and dreams away
just in case I ever need them again someday
I’ve been setting aside time
to clear a little space in the corners of my mind

All I wanna do is find a way back into love
I can’t make through without a way back into love
Oh-oh

I’ve been watching
but the stars refuse to shine
I’ve been searching
but I just don’t see the signs
I know that it’s out there
there’s gotta be something for my soul somewhere

I’ve been looking for someone to shed some light
Not somebody just to get me through the night
I could use some direction
and I’m open to your suggestions

All I wanna do is find a way back into love
I can’t make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart again
I guess I’m hoping that you’ll be there for me in the end

There are moments when I don’t know if it’s real
or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration
Not just another negotiation

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can’t make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart to you
I’m hoping you’ll show me what to do
and if you’ll help me to start again
you know that I’ll be there for you in the end

My Yahoo Guy ;)

2007-01-11T14:02:00.000+08:00

As I was chatting with my girlfriends at work yesterday, I stumbled upon a Yahoo ad of this macho man that followed your cursor left and right. Shallow as it may seem but I got amused--I think that's how it is when you're having a stressful day. Below is the ad:

Then my day commenced. Went to my dear friend Mahal's office for dinner while watching Jackass 2--which is really hilarious and, for me, better than the first. Headed to 6UnderGround to watch Inigo's band, The Haneps--which offered a different flavor to the music industry.

Mahal and I spent some time outside chatting with the bouncer named Jojo. He is quite personable and a story-teller (ma-chika); shared that he offers the following services: martial arts, security escort, body guard, bouncer, gym fitness trainor, physical therapy...coolness, right? :) It turns out that the Yahoo guy is him! Another amusing moment for me--I didn't waste time and had a picture taken with my new friend :)

The Day I Gave Up Being Straight ;)

2006-12-11T13:44:00.000+08:00

After everything that had happened to me before the year ended, I needed to do something new--in hopes of greeting 2007 with a fresh outlook.

I was hanging out with my cousin and sister, discussing with them my sentiments on how I can start anew. Suggestions left and right then I slept through the night.

When I woke up, it suddenly hit me--you know that feeling that you just have to do it regardless of anything...the butterflies-in-your-stomach kind of thing...the jittery-clammy feeling? I felt all of those. I called up my reinforcements then we headed out in less than an hour. Excited was I.

I waited for my turn. They prepped and pep-talked me a lot. In the middle of it all I wanted to stop it--I got so anxious and scared of how I would feel after. It was my first time to try it. It took me nearly three hours to get it done.

So here I am...straight no more. And I love it!

What were you thinking...?! ;)

Note: After this makeover, the car accident happened. So much for being hopeful huh? Oh well...it was worth a try...

Bruised Soul

2006-12-06T23:37:00.000+08:00

I've been disconnected from the world for the past days. Been staying at home, recuperating emotionally and physically from a car accident--a first time for me and hopefully the last.

It was 4am of last Friday when two girlfriends and I were driving home from Makati. I was in the passenger side. When we were crossing Ayala Avenue from Dela Costa Street, this speeding cab hit my side. Our car spun around the intersection until we hit the metal fence. I recall calling out to my friends, waiting for them to respond if they're okay. My chest was really painful--I suppose from the seatbelt...I had a hard time breathing.

Minutes later, people were gathering at the scene. I manned the car while my friends were talking to the cab driver and the authorities. I chose not to step out; aside from the fact that the door won't open, I was in shock. I stayed inside until help arrived--my friend's fiance, my brother, and Pao (yes, he came and got me out of the car). I had to be the strong one as my friends were already crying...I had to be strong.

Recalling what happened, we are still blessed because we're all alive. Good thing the street was wet; otherwise the car would've turtle-turned. Good thing I was wearing a seatbelt. Good thing the windows and windshield did not shatter. Good thing there were no other cars we could've hit as we were spinning around.

We went to the police station to file a report then towed the car to the dealership office. On the way to the south, I fell asleep. I woke me up when we reached Asian Hospital. I didn't want to have myself checked as I was really tired and wanting to go home. Plus I was not complaining of anything. It was 8am then. But they were persistent so I went with it.

We had series of x-rays--jaw, neck, chest, spine. I was surprised when they placed a neck brace on me. I got scared and I saw it in his eyes that he, too, was scared. He was close to tears. It was whiplash. My neck and back got really strained because of the impact. No broken bones...thank God. We stepped out of the hospital--two of us in neck brace. The doctor warned us that the pain will manifest in the next few days.

And it did...and I am still in pain. Not only do I have a bruised body but also a bruised soul.

Value of a Woman

2006-11-28T22:40:00.000+08:00

Be very careful if you make a woman cry because God counts her tears. The woman came out of a man's rib...Not from his feet to be walked on. Not from his head to be superior to...But from the side tobe equal with. Under the arm to be protected. And next to the heart to be loved.

There are times when we (women) accept things because they're men, because we're women...it's nature. But have we really stopped and thought about the consequences of this kind of thinking? Men are from Mars; women are from Venus. Yes, I know but is there no middle ground? No space between? I believe there is. I want to believe there is. Here I am ceasing to go with the status quo, going against what the society dictates...

Why is it that there's a delineation of judgment between men and women? Why do people say "it's more acceptable because he's a guy (or she's a girl)" and not just confine the description to either "it's acceptable" or "it's not acceptable"...regardless of anything?

When we try to fight for something we feel strongly for, why is it not given consideration? Why won't they try to see it from our perspective, try to understand us...because we do understand where they're coming from?

When we cry, why is it such a big deal? I want to cry, i choose to cry...because it hurts, because it's too much to bear. Why can't they just let us cry and get it over with...even if we know it will take what will seem a lifetime for us to get over it?

When we choose to wait for them, why are they not allowing us? Why are they pushing us away? Will it not benefit them more than us? That after doing their business, won't we be glad to see them back...because we chose to wait?

I can go on and on. Only if there are are answers to each one, I would. I felt the urge to write them down...in hopes that they will escape my thoughts and remain on this page.

Breathe

2006-11-21T13:42:00.000+08:00

...There's a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around...

We can only know ourselves to a certain extent. The rest remains to be discovered as we go on with our lives. Some we discover on our own. Some we discover through other people. Regardless, all should be acknowledged.

To wake up one day realizing I feel lighter, better, relieved makes me a better person (more like I want to believe that). To go about my routine with that weird yet smiling-inside feeling, I know I need to do something. To let the day pass thinking, I need to do something about it but I'm not sure if now is the right time. To seal the day's work with the things that (I think) help me get through all this then I say to myself, If not now, then when?.

And so I went for it...despite the judgments that may be cast on me. Because through this, I know things will be better. I acknowledged that I'm not harboring anger anymore...and it feels good.

...'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl.
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe...

~Breathe, Anna Nalick

Under Construction

2006-11-14T14:09:00.000+08:00

When you think you know yourself well enough, think again. It's engraved on your mind what you know you can do and what you can not (more like you will not). It has been several years when you said to yourself, I will never ever eat this or Not in my lifetime will I do that. People change. Your likes and dislikes change. You then take a different route and then discover that it is indeed exhilarating!

I have to admit...some may sound quite shallow but what can I say...I go for the simple things in life. Such as: I never thought I would enjoy eating ampalaya. Or I would love walking around Makati by myself on a Saturday night while eating my fave synthetic fries (McDonald's fries are the best!) Or I would be so steady at home just listening to music and doing chores then smiling and feeling fulfilled afterwards. Or I would be very comfortable meeting people again...and letting them know the real me.

Stepping out of our comfort zone takes a lot of courage. Many, many years of having a routine then suddenly things change will really make your head spin. It's a decision to make--a difficult one at that--but if the first step is wobbly, chances are you'll fall back in "the zone." You must be able to have a steady and strong first step for you to make the second one then the third one.

I cannot say for sure if I've made a steady, strong first step out of my comfort zone. Let's just wait and see as my life's under construction now--it's operational but watch out for falling debris...

Irreplaceable

2006-11-11T16:24:00.000+08:00

I was just watching TV one afternoon--usual music videos, i say to myself, nothing new. So I just left the set on for background music. Then suddenly it got my attention--"to the left, to the left" goes the song. Had to turn up the volume and listen intently to the lyrics...and it hit home!

to the left, to the left
everything you own in the box to the left
in the closet, that's my stuff
yes if i bought it please don't touch

and keep talkin' that mess, that's fine
but could you walk and talk at the same time?
and it's my name that's on that Jag
so remove your bags, let me call you a cab

standin' in the front yard
tellin' me how i'm such a fool
talkin' bout, how i'll never ever find a man like you
you got me twisted

***you must not know 'bout me, you must not know 'bout me
i could have another you in a minute
matter fact, he'll be here in a minute
baby
you must not know 'bout me, you must not know 'bout me
i can have another you by tomorrow
so don't you ever for a second get to thinking
you're irreplaceable***

so go ahead and get gone
and call up that chick and see if she's home
oops, i bet you thought that i didn't know
what did you think i was puttin' you out for?

because you was untrue
rollin' her around in the car that i bought you
baby drop them keys
hurry up, before your taxi leaves

standin' in the front yard
tellin' me how i'm such a fool
talkin' bout i'll never ever find a man like you
you got me twisted

***

so since i'm not your everything
how about i'll be nothing
nothing at all to you

baby i won't shed a tear for you
i won't lose a wink of sleep
cause' the truth of the matter is
replacing you is so easy

to the left to the left
everything you own in a box to the left
to the left to the left (2)
don't you ever for a second get to thinking you're irreplaceable

***

You must not know 'bout me
You must not know 'bout me

I can have another you in a minute
matter fact he'll be here in a minute
you can pack all your bags we're finished
cause you made your bed now lay in it

I can have another you by tomorrow
Don't you ever for a second get to thinking you're irreplaceable

Who I am hates who I've been...

2006-11-09T17:52:00.000+08:00

Things happen for a reason. This is where my journey starts. I need to understand. I need to be sane. I need to feel.

I've lost myself. People don't usually know what that means--i get an empty sympathy nod. Empty because you see the question mark on the their foreheads but they don't really want to ask how "losing oneself" feels...because it can be scary...instead they give you a hug, an "aaaww", a hand squeeze. But that's okay.

Looking back at the past months made me realize that I had been hiding. Hiding from what's real. Joyful on the outside but quivering inside. Smiling but sobbing. Peaceful but fighting with myself. Most of the time I catch myself staring blankly but I have no recollection of what I was thinking of at that moment--it's like I was in another dimension. Maybe that other dimension is where I would find peace.

I used to be someone who knows myself, who's secure, who's living the life, who smiles, who has that spark in my eyes--that glow, that zeal, that happiness. I used to know my interests, my favorites, my pet peeves. I used have a clearer picture of my goals in life.

I don't like how I've become. I know it's my fault because I let it happen. I was too selfless. I need to love me again. I have to try harder before it's too late...

Stuck in Reverse

2006-11-09T15:02:00.000+08:00

In denial. That's how I've been for several months. Been shielding myself from real hurt, from real pain, from real feelings. Been fighting with myself, which is the most tiring ordeal I've undergone.

Then here comes Reality.

And it hit me hard...very abrupt but quite hard. It's as if it had been chasing me and trying to pin me down. It overpowered me and there was no other way but to face it head on.

And so I did. I had to. For myself. For peace of mind.

And now it's over but my journey has just begun. I have yet to move forward because at the moment I'm still stuck in reverse.

Dunhill Party @ Capones

2006-09-19T14:36:00.000+08:00

Last Saturday, I went out with my girlfriends--Sasha and Ron (hehe). At first we were thinking we'd feel out of place given that it was a Dunhill event--meaning people were mostly from the company itself plus their friends. But we conquered the night with boisterous laughters and tonful of stories. And we owe all these to our personalities that just clicked instantly.

Highlights:
1. For starters...Ahem...it wouldn't be me if I didn't have a booboo that night--so there...I tripped wearing my 3-inch heels! And Ron was gracious enough to contain his laughter until I egged him to just let it all out and he did...and he went on and on (hahahaha!)

2. The open bar which actually made it easier for us to go. For a measly amount, we made sure that every peso was spent wisely...and corruptly, mainly because of the amount of Tequila Rose, Skyy Vodka, and red wine we downed in an hour :)

3. Frozen margarita (thanks, sweetie!) followed by tequila shot, Absolut Kurant-seven (my fave), and electric lemonade--warning: it's deceiving :)

4. The unending comments of people that I look like someone...hmph! hehe :)

5. And Ron's unending statement of how he gets (more like how he feels) when he gets drunk (wink wink!) hahaha! :)

Photos by Dexter Angara. To check out the whole shindig, visit his site. Thanks, man! :)

Thanks Sasha and Ron for that wonderful night!

It's Easier Said Than Done

2006-09-18T13:46:00.000+08:00

"Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets. So love the people who treat you right...Forget about the ones who don't, and believe that everything happens for a reason...Know a good thing when you see it, and don't let it slip away...If you get a chance, take it...If it changed your life, let it...Nobody said it would be easy, they just said it would be worth it..."

I received this message after pouring my heart's content. All i can say to that is the ever-famous cliche, "It's easier said than done." True indeed. I almost always know what to say to people when they ask for advice--it's simple because I'm not part of the situation; I am just a plain observer. Communication is the key. Think of yourself, be selfish, and love yourself. Make that other person work for it. Leave because of what happened. Stay because it's worth it. Etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. How I wish I could say some of those things to myself--and I hope that I do in fact listen to what my inner self is saying.

Sometimes I believe that lessons should be learned the hard way--for them to have an imprint, an impact, an effect. On other times I believe that we should just steer away from potential mishaps and spare ourselves of potential hurt, which might lead to potential regret.

But the latter is not the case I always find myself in. What I do know about myself is that I challenge myself too much--probably thinking that I'm invincible, which I know for a million years I will never be. I end up wanting to try out something seemingly new, anticipating what could be in store for me, then digging a hole too deep for me to climb out of. And then...Sigh. I did it again. Sheesh. What a vicious cycle it can be! I know I gotta do something to make things better--i just don't know where to start and how to begin...

Absolute Happiness

2006-09-15T13:50:00.000+08:00

I'm at this point where I re-evaluate things--personal and career life. I don't know but I think it comes with age--not saying that I'm old but it's more of realizing that I'm not getting any younger. If I don't stir things up, I just might go on living not knowing that I'm just wasting my time.

I talk to people about a lot of things--some are real-life happenings while some are situational--for me to understand (or at least try to understand) where they are coming from; and probably to gauge if the solutions in my mind are in sync with the status quo. I feel there are times that I veer away from the common-sense decisions--not to challenge the norm, but to just see things in a different light.

So in my pursuit to find my path, I opened up to a good friend and asked bluntly, "Why is it so hard to be happy?" And the reply was:

"I think it's either you're happy because you are ignorant of what you're missing out on, or you're happy because you DO know what you don't have, but you don't care."

It didn't really answer my question but that statement boggled my mind for quite some time. What did that mean? At first I wanted to say, "So you think I don't have a chance at absolute happiness? Absolute because I felt the negative connotation of being happy yet not knowing that there may be a better option out there; it's like turning a blind eye. Or being happy yet acknowledging the void and not doing anything about it.

I know there's nothing really absolute in this world but at this point, I want to get close to absolute happiness where I can honestly say I'm happy because I've exhausted all options and chose this route still or I'm happy because I realized what's missing and did something about it.

So what does it really mean?

My Celebrity Look-alikes :)

2006-09-15T09:32:00.000+08:00

I checked out this cool site (thanks, Pat) where you just upload a pic and it generates celebrity look-alikes. It's really amusing (or am I that shallow? hehe). Try it out!

My recipe: Mix a rich base of Southeast Asian idols--Japan, Korea, Hong Kong, Taiwan, Thailand, and of course Philippines--with a hint of American black beauty and, to top it all off, a tinge of Canadian babe!

Now isn't that a delightful treat?! Yeba! :)

What Kind of Employee Am I?

2006-06-06T10:22:00.000+08:00

Pisces Employee Profile (february 20 - march 20)
The Pisces employee can be a loyal and hard-working, if unconventional, worker. In the right position, they are able to keep their daydreams in check and buckle down on the detail work--giving their all to the boss and corporation whom they feel are worthy of devotion. On the flip side, there is no image of extreme misery like that of an ill-placed Pisces worker. They will act as though their cubicle were a prison cell as they daydream of their own business or next vacation. Unhappy Pisces workers usually won't stick around too long. Often Pisceans will drift from one job to another looking for that ideal environment to which they will be able to commit and feel a sense of purpose. And if things are going in a bad direction at the office, Pisces will be the first to sense it. They'd rather pick up and leave then wait until the problem reaches a head. Pisces are often misunderstood by their co-workers. Typically timid and introspective, they usually keep their true nature hidden, for fear it wouldn't fit with the corporate culture. What motivates a Pisces employee to not only stick around but also excel? Try compliments. And show them how their work impacts the entire organization. They need to know that what they are doing is worth something on a grander scale. Acceptance of their unconventional organization and planning will be necessary. Just because their sales report isn't in the typical format doesn't mean it is any less effective. Keep their environment bright and upbeat; and an after-work cocktail wouldn't hurt.

This is sooooo true!!!

What About Love

2006-06-01T09:10:00.000+08:00

What if I took my time to love you?
What if I put no one above you?
What if I did the things
That really mattered?
What if I ran through
Hoops of disaster?

No one would care if
We never made it
We're in this alone
So why don't we face it
There is no room to
Blame one another
We just need time to
Forgive each other

***What about love?
What about feeling?
What about all the things that make life worth living?
What about faith?
What about trust?
And tell me baby...what about us?

How can I give this
Love a new beginning?
How can I stop the rain?
It's never ending
How do I keep my soul believing?
Memories of how we
Should be keep calling

***

I'll take the rivers rise
I'll take the happy times
I'll take the moments of disaster

***

Focus on the Real Thing

2006-05-30T07:15:00.000+08:00

When you're used to do something, it becomes a routine--you hardly think about each step, you hardly weigh the options, you hardly anticipate the result. That's life. Or should I say that's how we're used to living our lives. But that shouldn't be the case.

Same goes for how we tend to look at the negative aspect of every situation--the cons more than the pros, the what-ifs rather than hoping for a favorable outcome. Little do we know that we are actually slimming the chances of it turning out the way we originally planned it to be--positive, favorable, a happy ending.

Someone recently shared this with me: Focus only on the real thing. Okay, let's cite her example: As a banker, she had to manually count a large amount of bills. The training involved slipping one fake bill and being able to detect it. It's unimaginable but manageable. You see if we get used to holding the real thing, we can almost always pinpoint the fake one.

This holds true with relationships, too. We get so caught up on the thought of: I will not be like this...I will not be like that. It's like psyching our psyches to concentrate on the action itself rather than avoiding it. It's like saying to a kid over and over not to do something, but he ends up doing it anyways. Why? It's because he got used to hearing the action word and not focusing on the word "not." Why can't we channel ourselves to think: I will be like this...I will be like that.

Well, I still got a lot to learn myself. I'm not actually the walk-the-talk type in this situation. To be honest, the purpose of this entry is to encourage myself to be something I want to be and not something I'm not supposed to be...

Start Anew

2006-05-23T10:06:00.001+08:00

I just realized that I need a new page in my life, a fresh start. I can't do this overnight. I need to take baby steps in hopes that one day I'll achieve my goal. Have you ever felt that you're wasting your time and effort on something when in fact you know you can make a difference somewhere else?

I'll begin with this site as I noticed how stagnant I let it be...like my life. Whenever I check for any quintessential thought, I slump when I see that the hits on the page increase but there are no changes--maybe no one is interested in it anymore. I finally accepted that it's not appealing as it used to be when I enjoyed designing it.

Bear with me and be a witness as I reconstruct my life...

Three Things in Life

2006-05-22T18:12:00.000+08:00

...when gone, never come back: Time, Words & Opportunity.

...that should never be lost: Peace, Hope & Honesty.

...that are most valuable: Love, Faith & Prayer.

...that are never certain: Dreams, Success & Fortune.

...that make a person: Hard Work, Sincerity & Commitment.

...that can destroy a person: Lust, Pride & Anger.

...that are truly constant: Change, Death & God.

There are just some things that can make or break a person.

The Value of a Woman

2006-04-26T10:53:00.000+08:00

"Be very careful if you make a woman cry,
because God counts her tears.

The woman came out of a man's rib.

Not from his feet to be walked on.
Not from his head to be superior,

But from the side to be equal.
Under the arm to be protected,
and next to the heart to be loved."

(Hebrew Talmud)

My Day

2006-02-23T18:26:00.000+08:00

Yes, today is my birthday. Had a nice breakfast with Pao. Had a training seminar in the afternoon. Just when I thought my day was over, my officemates threw me a surprise party! Although it's a tradition in the office to surprise the celebrator, I still felt very special. I've never had one, fyi (aaaah...now you understand). It was fun! Hint, hint...I want another surprise party next year! hehe

So now I'm at my desk, waiting for Pao to pick me up and have another celebration. By the way, Mitzy's up and running already! (To those of you who don't know, Mitzy is our car that hibernated since September.) It's like she waited for my birthday...

It's actually better not to plan certain days because something's bound to happen.

Thanks, guys!

Our Little Tahitian Dancer

2006-02-16T18:57:00.000+08:00

Last Sunday (Feb 12) was the Family Day at St. Scho Westgrove, where Patty (my 6-yr-old grade-1 niece) did a tahitian dance with fellow cuties! Imagine the first song being (the expected) "pearly shells--from the ocean"...fade away...then Hawaiian Five-O! I had a feeling I was louder (and rowdier!) than any parent there Haha! =) We're just so proud of her!

That day started out with Patty texting me if I will go (yes, she has her own cellphone). Backtracking further, she texts days prior inviting me to go--"Tita aia please come to my school on sunday for family day please" and that their team color is yellow...how can I resist, right? So even if Mitzy is still on vacation (Mitzy's our car, by the way), we ended up commuting all the way to Laguna! On the way, Patty keeps on following up where I was, but her best out-of-the-blue message was "i promis that i will eatdance well" Aaaw...cute, right?

See pics of that day here.

Hungover from Boracay

2005-12-13T14:25:00.000+08:00

As promised on my last post, this next one should be about the Boracay trip. But i'm still hungover from the trip that my mind's not yet capable of translating memories into words. I'd rather hold on to them as long as I can (hehe).

So to compensate and as they say that a picture paints a thousand words, i'm sharing with you the pics collection--which will add up to a gazillion words!

(I'm still daydreaming...hehe)

One Small Happy Family

2005-11-21T12:47:00.000+08:00

Christmas is evidently 'round the corner with all the decors, bazaar buzz, countdown, etc. I don't know about you but I still get sentimental during the holidays. Maybe it's because every Christmas for the past years is different--let's go back to the time that my parents, sister, titas and cousins were still here, then people started to leave for the US...leaving just us celebrating the Holidays--by "us" I mean my sister, brother, cousin, and me plus our significant others (totaling 8 adults and 1 lovely niece...that's it--no more, no less). Moreover, we all lead separate lives--living independently and seeing each other only when time permits.

Somehow it saddens me to think that they're all I've got; but in a way, I'm glad that it happened this way because we're now bonded like never before. I remember the times that we don't even spend time together nor share life's happenings because we have our own circles and it feels uncomfortable to talk about love life and what-have-you's to family members; but now we make it a point to meet every so often. We're very updated with each other's lives--even acting as support group to one who needs comforting. Now I truly accept that friends come and go but family stays (to put it bluntly: I am stuck with my family...and I don't mind it!).

~~~FYI, my next post will be about our Boracay trip. We'll be attending Pao's sister's wedding. Unfortunately, my sister and brother-in-law won't be able to join us. But who knows...maybe in the near future I'll write about our trips to Thailand or Australia or wherever! (",)

A Week To Remember...

2005-11-07T14:42:00.000+08:00

For most of us, welcome back to the real world--back to work! So here I am, at my desk, not really working--I'm blogging. It seems that my mindset is not yet back to where it should be. But my main objective in this piece is to warn everybody...

Last Tuesday night as we were craving for Japanese buffet, Pao and I decided to eat at Saisaki in Alabang Town Center. After going through the whole appetizer-to-dessert yummy meal, we met up with my family for a nightcap. Nice meal. Nice night...

...until around 2am when I felt nauseous. At that time, I vomited. Darn, I said to myself, I must've eaten a lot to cause indigestion! But then again, I started having a bad tummy--the worst case scenario! Every 30-45 minutes (and this no joke), I'd have to go, either vomit or poop! And guess what...after an hour or two, Pao started his own battle. Food poisoning...great.

We had no sleep at all--we saw the sun rise, saw it peak at noon, and saw it set in the afternoon. Despite our efforts to rehydrate, we still felt so dehydrated, tired, weak. All these feelings, coupled with stomach cramps (that made me wimper and curl up) was yet to be topped with high fever! We were crawling in and out of bed, up and down the stairs, in and out of doors. We can't even attempt to bring ourselves to the ER for the fear of having to go in the middle of the trip; so we decided to have our consultations over the phone with our good ol' doctor (the one who did my last abscess...ouch!)

In the next couple of days, all we we ever had was the never-ending congee or mami paired with Sky Flakes and the never-ending Gatorade. Oh! Can I just tell you that the 'tea' from boiled Guava leaves tastes awful...but it helped (I think).

One hell of an experience! One hell of a long weekend!

Lesson: Do not eat at Saisaki anymore....period

The Pastor Driver

2005-10-28T15:52:00.000+08:00

I've been working at this company since March of this year. I know it's not an excuse but work really has been the main reason why this site hasn't been updated for months now (the last entry was May...my gosh!).

So there...for those of you who don't know, I am a headhunter. Yes, in this business, I try to play God and people are the pieces in this board game called "corporate life". Sounds too powerful and all-knowing but placing people in companies changes the world (one way or the other). It's like planting a seed (be it a good one or a bad one)--it's changing the status quo of a subset of the universe.

Life is all about chain reactions...we might not notice the change directly and immediately but sooner or later the past will haunt the present and the future. It's paying it forward. It's domino effect. That's life.

Have you ever had that ride to work that something out of the extraordinary happens and you end up having a different day? I had that experience weeks back. I rode a cab and the driver turned out to be a pastor. I'm not highly religious and that fact didn't really excite me--I thought that he would state biblical passages (in Filipino) from Las Pinas to Makati, but he ended up relaying enlightening anecdotes one after the other that I just listened, nodded, reflected. He achieved his goal! He was talking about relationships and how to have a successful marriage. Applicable...I'm engaged (pretending you don't know and I have to explain). By the time I got down at the corner of 7-11 and as I was walking to the office, I know there's something different; not that my life has changed in an instant but I saw things in a different light--I was still pondering on the messages left by the pastor driver. Nice. Enlightening. Life changing.

The Comeback...Part II

2005-05-06T14:49:00.000+08:00

Remember those eventful days in Batangas? If you don't have an any idea what I'm talking about...either click on the title or browse through the past entries. I promised I'll post pictures...so here they are:

Most of the time was spent under the sun, chilling out, waiting for the next meal. This shot was taken at noon...somehow the sun doesn't feel as hot as it is here in the city.

Me and my girls--Darling, Faye, Kay, Rachel, and Joy--trying to make the boulder a backdrop...but it just isn't a good idea, right?...

...And so we just played with it! (",)

Back at our kubo preparing dinner with the boys--Pao, Ross, and John--who happens to be the masters of "ihaw"...we're only their helpers. Thanks boys!

This was before dinner when the group decided to take a walk along the beach. As you can see, Pao and I didn't join them...because he had a plan...

...And here I am showing off my ring. Notice those puffy eyes...hehe (I can't help it!)

Next day, we went kayaking which got me so tired as I haven't been exercising for the longest time. But I enjoyed the serene moment with Pao and got amused with all the jellyfishes--big and small.

Vacation over. I just had to post this candid shot...laugh trip because it reflects how we don't want to go! But we had to...

Looking forward to the next destination...(",)

Agonizing!

2005-04-11T13:36:00.000+08:00

Remember the time I wrote about being under the knife for the first time and feeling the pain in all its glory? It happened again! Backtracking last week, I was here in the office writing about how I took a "vacation" in the hospital the week prior to attend to Pao (he had bilateral tonsillectomy). Little did I know that I will take another vacation, but this time to attend to myself for yet another abscess.

Last Tuesday, after attending a lunch meeting in Cafe Mediterranean at Greenbelt 1 (which, by the way, serves scrumptious food), I went back to the offive to prepare for another meeting at 3pm. Everybody probably thought I was fine because I was still laughing with them...but I was really masking the sharp and throbbing pain (which wasn't new to me). All was under control until one of my colleagues asked if I was okay. I started sobbing and relaying my situation, not to mention the agony I was undergoing as the pain killer wasn't taking effect.

Come Wednesday morning, I no longer couldn't move my right arm to perform even the simplest of tasks. I was handicapped! Thankfully, my colleagues are very understanding--my boss even recommended her husband's brother (a surgeon) to handle everything.

As I woke up Thursday morning, I was having a great amount of discomfort so I went to see the doctor via my boss' husband. Pao was still at work during that time, but he was right on time for the "slicing." It hurt so bad! I was crying like a baby! I was fidgeting, squirming, shrieking! Imagine puncturing, cutting, and squeezing an UN-anesthesized area that is so sore and infected...See? Didn't you just squirm?!

Sucks to be me, you might be thinking.

Nah...I still love me! (",)

On being selfless...

2005-04-04T13:39:00.000+08:00

So here I am...back in the office after spending a so-called vacation in...the Asian Hospital. "Why?" you ask. Well, Pao, my fiance (naks! I'm still trying to get the hang of using the term), was admitted last Tuesday for bilateral tonsillectomy and incision and drainage of right leg lesion. If you've been a reader of my life stories...Yes, we have the same problem with recurrent abscess. It really sucks because one can't really take care of the other without being in pain as well! So it's like..."Who has more tolerable pain?...do this and that." Aaargh...

Going back...So right after work that day, I rode with a friend to Alabang. I asked Pow to pack stuff for me good for four days...praying that his fashion sense would be in-tune that time (good thing it was; with just a few glitches, but it's all good). Amidst consoling him that everything will be alright, I yet have to convince myself that everything will really BE alright. The first night was a no-sleep night--nurses kept coming and going to check on his vitals in preparation for his operation which was scheduled at 7am. We had to be in the holding area an hour before (while Pao was enjoying the effects of the sedative). I sent kisses and well wishers as he was being wheeled into the O.R. I walked back to the room feeling like a zombie...

Yes, I cried as soon as I entered the room. Worried. Scared. Anxious. I had a cup of coffee in my hand for I didn't know how long I was to wait. I didn't want to sleep...so I decided to work (my loser self brought work) so as to keep my mind off things. Hours passed. Not a word.

After four hours (which seemed like eternity), he was wheeled backed to the room. I was so pleased to see him! I'm glad everything DID turn out alright. He was in and out of sleep the entire day! It's as good as erasing that Wednesday from the calendar; but I didn't mind...not at all.

The next days in the hospital (till Saturday), I was pretty much preoccupied with preparing food, running errands, filling out forms, etc. that I became selfless.

It didn't bother me. It didn't get the best of me. As long as my Pao will be alright, I am alright.

...That's how I love eh...(yihee! haha self-inflicted kilig!)

The Comeback...

2005-03-23T09:31:00.000+08:00

Dear friends,

I apologize for not being able to write since January. A lot has happened and I wouldn't want to drag you in my roller coaster ride. I won't go melodramatic with you guys so don't worry...

Amidst my constant battle with multiple abscess, I'll give you updates...

* January 23 - 3rd year Anniversary (",) (Pao, do you remember this day...Hmmm? tsk tsk)
* February 23 - My birthday (",) Spent the whole day with my Pao--dine, shop, etc. (",)
* February 25-27 - Early summer vacation with my friends in Batangas. The resort (Kabayan) was nice and affordable. We went snorkeling, kayaking, and all those fun activities.
* March 3 - I got a job as an associate at an executive search firm (Ward Howell) in Makati.

Going back a few days...Last February 26, while we were in Batangas, things happened...

After hearing anticipated mass, it was a nice night to go walking on the beach...so we all decided to go. Pao wasn't really into it so he just sat on the sand and asked me to sit beside him. The sound of the water and the cool breeze made me want to snuggle beside him anyways. We spent minutes just staring at the beautiful water and enjoying each other's company. We decided to join our friends for the walk and he asked me to stand up and pull him up.

So I did.

But no...he didn't stand up; instead he knelt and took a black box out of his pocket. I was stunned...flabbergasted...hyperventilating. The next thing I knew he was slipping this beautiful ring on my finger and saying things I hardly understood because I was so busy trying to resist interrupting him and just giving him a hug. What was so wonderful is that he, too, wasn't able to concentrate on his "speech" that for once, he was at a loss for words. When I saw tears, I wasn't able to hold back mine any longer.

I said "Yes" and pulled him up and hugged him. Little did I know that our friends were watching us the entire time...It was a plan!

In short, I'm engaged and will soon be Aileen dela Cruz-Bonifacio! (",)

P.S. I'll post pictures soon...

Tickle me...please!

2005-01-08T03:40:00.000+08:00

This goes to show how extremely bored I am that I find desperate ways to amuse myself. These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from the papers abroad. Allow me to make fun of them. Hmm...makes me want to research what our local writers can contribute to this list...hehe =p

Court Rules Boxer Shorts Are Indeed Underwear: Journal of Commerce, April 20 -- are they really?!
Lack of brains hinders research: The Columbus Dispatch, April 16 -- ahaha! that explains the title!
Dirty-Air Cities Far Deadlier Than Clean Ones, Study Shows: The New York Times, March 10 -- jeez! who doesn't know that?!
Larger Kangaroos Leap Farther, Researchers Find: The Los Angeles Times, November 2 -- they had to research on that?!
Alcohol ads promote drinking: The Hartford Courant, November 18 -- (shaking my head in disbelief...)
Malls try to attract shoppers: The Baltimore Sun, October 22 -- (...and again)
Teen-age girls often have babies fathered by men: The Sunday Oregonian, September 24 -- often?! try "always"!
Include your Children when Baking Cookies -- yummy!
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says -- you have gotta be kidding me...
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case -- please explain...anyone?
Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents -- "hahaha...it's your turn!"
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope -- hmm...celibacy alert!
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over -- oooh...cross-breed!
Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years -- how'd that happen?!
Autos Killing 110 a Day--Let's Resolve to Do Better -- let's double it!
Antique Stripper to Display Wares at Store -- antique=old=eeew!!!
Lingerie Shipment Hijacked--Thief Gives Police The Slip -- a silk one i suppose...

And that's the end of my headline-bashing moment. Now was that fun or what?! Naah...I'm just bored....

Romantic...NOT!

2005-01-05T03:40:00.000+08:00

Just wanted to share with you an email I got. I rarely appreciate forwarded emails, but this one caught my attention and actually made me read it...or is it because I'm just bored...hmmm? Oh well...

Enough...hear it is...

Some of these are hysterical... these are entries to a Washington Post competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line... But the least romantic second line.

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.

Thought that I could love no other
That is until I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "go to hell"

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

So how was it? Hilarious, right? You oughtta laugh some time, you know! (",)

Signed, Sealed, Delivered with a Twist

2004-12-30T02:30:00.000+08:00

To fill you in regarding my dilemma on the prior post, I managed to shop for gifts in one day--yes, one whole day--which included the long-overdue grocery shopping an hour before the mall closes. I felt a sense of accomplishment despite the fatigue. Upon getting home, instead of breathing a much-deserved sigh of relief, things bought had to be put away on their designated areas. I had postponed the gift-wrapping for the next couple of days because as soon as I saw my big, cozy bed all things seemed unimportant. Good thing I had family presents all wrapped and ready on the 23rd and all the other presents on the 24th. I met the deadline!!!

Then misfortune struck combined with a hint of sadness, a teaspoon of bitterness, and a whole lot of hopelessness...

What are the chances of experiencing the same excruciating pain twice over a span of let's say one month? Ha! In my case...100%. Imagine this: After recovering from the procedure done earlier this month, symptoms begin to resurface. There grew another abscess but this time on my left outer thigh! Thus the reason of my dormancy in the blogging world. Aside from being in pain (again) and my computer going crazy on me, my soul is really dampened with how things are going this holiday season. Enveloped in mixed emotions, I spent days and nights crying and wondering why these things are happening to me and why now...of all times.

And again...a lousy "Happy New Year" greeting to everyone...sheesh...

Panic Attack!!!

2004-12-18T02:45:00.000+08:00

OH MY GAWD!!!

It just dawned on me that Christmas day is a week from now...

...which means I should have all the friend presents delivered; it would be nice to open it together with everybody else's and not as a belated one (wishful thinking...I end up sending out belated gifts hehe).
...which means I should have all the family presents ready on the Eve. I find it so hard to think of gifts for those closest to my heart...not because I'm scared of not being appreciated, but because I want them to be meaningful and not some so-so gifts.
....which means I should have been finished with my shopping so as to spend the remaining days wrapping, organizing, and sending them out.
...which means I should be stress-free by now...

BUT I'M NOT!!!

I'm used to having everything set usually two weeks before Christmas--from the presents to the menu to the clothes I'll be wearing on the Eve (I am all that). Even at this age, I still want the Holidays to be relaxed, special, and heartwarming with the works--hearing Mass with loved ones followed by eating bibingka or some other native delicacies in the wee hours of the morning, enjoying the fancy lights and decorations on every corner, gift-giving, the works!

I haven't even bought a single present...I don't even have a list for crying out loud! Aaaargh...I hate what's happening. The misery began with my minor surgery at the start of this month (remember that?!). Ha! Everything about is not "minor" at all...especially what it's making me go through right now! The timing's really off (an understatement). It made me totally immobile for two weeks...leaving me with a week (this week) to catch up on all the chores--laundry, clean, decorate, and everything I put off (mind you, I'm not even done). Then, this coming week will be for grocery and present shopping (good luck to me). Don't even remind me how congested it is out there...I don't have to see it to believe it. It will take a miracle or two to make me come out of this ordeal alive!

Forgive me for ranting...I am severely distraught.

Merry Christmas...sheesh.

Recognize?

2004-12-16T07:50:00.000+08:00

[supersize]

Yup, that's me on the cover of JobMarket (Philippine Daily Inquirer, December 12, 2004) for the SPI Technologies, the company where I used to work. They called some weeks ago to ask permission to use me as their model (for a fee, of course) which started the last weekend of November. You'll be seeing me in this section as well as in Manila Bulletin till February 2005 (",)

FreeDAMN!

2004-12-16T04:01:00.000+08:00

To those who don't know me well: I am restless--constantly finding chores to do, tasks to accomplish, projects to finish. With this being said, I was the most stubborn patient over the past two weeks (I can't help it!)--in effect, my stitches got torn off my skin and the drain got dislodged out of the slit. Ouch. I went to see the doctor, who was surprised with how things turned out. I remember him saying, "This wasn't supposed to happen." Well, it did. Sorry, doc. All of a sudden, I got scared. I didn't want to go through the painstaking experience again. I begged for him not to sew me up again and to tell me that it'll heal just fine. He wasn't supposed to give in; good thing the other doctor gave me the much needed reassurance (I love you, doc!) as long as I take things down a notch. Pow sure had a hard time taking care of me *hehehe*

At long last...after being sedentary for two weeks, I'm free from lying in bed most of the day, including the limping and the constant dressing changes! I can now enjoy nice, pampering showers without having to evade the affected area (my shower time then was at least an hour for I can't go about my routine without whimpering). I can now easily sit up and stand, as well as go up and down the stairs. Salvation at last!

Recap of the past days:

Sunday-double date: First stop: Super Bowl of China. To satisfy every craving, we went for the combination platter (have you tried their suckling pig? Wow...lovely) along with several equally tasteful, fantastic dishes. They also have this Chinese beer (Tsing Tao) which tastes great and is reasonably priced. Next stop: Old Swiss Inn. My gawd...delectable pies and cakes. It's a chocoholic's fantasy to indulge in their Toblerone fondue--melted chocolate served with fruits, marshmallow, sponge cake. Just thinking about it now makes me salivate...hmmmm...chocolate. Another thing to rave about, aside that it's open 24 hours, is its nice, quiet ambience. Enough...I'm getting hungry.

Monday-wedding: I braved to attend a wedding which, by the way, was a feel-good event (it always is for me). Nice setup. Organized. Great food. However, no alcoholic beverages; it was a choice between iced tea or calamansi juice served in plain straight glasses. Guests had to toast with water in wine glasses and, honestly, people like me looked forward to having wine at such a posh event. Anyway...afterwards, we then decided to head to Capones to quench the drinker's thirst, my thirst, with my fave Kurant-Seven (Wuhoo! I'm done with antibiotics) and to listen to a band playing glam rock. Cool! It was a night of reminiscing, nodding heads, and singing along. Soon enough, we got hungry and craved for a Hungree Burger--cheap but good.

Tuesday-salon: Oh, yes, I allowed myself to get pampered--haircut, hairspa, pedicure...the works! Going to the salon is one of my happy-feeling sought-after rituals, but my gawd...this one felt oh-so great...heavenly! It's time to re-energize and be part of the moving world again.

A message to everybody: I'm back!!! (",)

Reality Bites

2004-12-11T02:12:00.000+08:00

I am currently...

Young -- just a couple of months shy of officially having the infamous quarter-life crisis.
Clueless -- seeking a fulfilling career after a two-year dead-end medical transcription job which I let go six months ago.
Lost -- moved out almost two years ago for reasons I'd rather not discuss here.
Tired -- chores, chores, chores...doing this and that which leaves me exhausted.
Stressed -- bills, bills, bills...dealing with inflation rates left and right, which then leaves me...
Broke -- um...sad to say but yup...very self-explanatory, don't you think?
Weak -- still nursing the wound from the procedure I had a week-and-a-half ago.

But I am...

Alive -- still have many years ahead of me to try new activities and meet people along the way.
Growing -- yet to find my niche in the money-making world for I will not settle for a so-so mediocre job just for the sake of having one.
Independent -- deciding on my own and bracing myself to face consequences of my actions.
Fulfilled -- having a sense of accomplishment that I can do stuff that are mostly relied on help.
Learning -- accounting, budgeting, and mastering the schedule of cut-offs and deadlines.
Surviving -- sacrificing the extra sweets in life but not denying myself of happiness.
Recovering -- getting better as each day passes.

But most of all, I am...

Loved -- Aside from family and friends, I am truly thankful to have someone who is so wonderful and beautiful inside and out--to support and take care of me, to be my pilar of strength, to be my greatest fan at the same time my critic, to understand my quirks, to just be there.

No matter how hard I try to convince myself that life sucks, I still end up thinking that am blessed one way or the other. Yes, there are raging waves in the sea called Life, but stop and notice the serenity and calmness as you look further towards the horizon. Isn't it peaceful and soothing that the waves become part of the whole scene? It all depends on where your concentration lies; it's deciding on which direction to look.

I'm not saying I have the perfect psyche to easily shift moods and go to my happy place whenever things go haywire. My point is to accept that nothing and no one is perfect; learn to just...Live and love life! (",)

Anagram Genius

2004-12-11T01:37:00.000+08:00

Playtime!!!

Came across this site (click on title) that can generate anagrams. My full name (which I won't disclose for no apparent reason) anagrams to

"Lazy, laudable, eager icon."

Hmm...Let's ponder on this for a while just for the sake of yacking. How can lazy be laudable or eager?! But you know how procrastination and being lazy sometimes produces favorable results? Maybe this is one of those times...or not. I guess I'm a walking contradiction...whatever. =D

So what's yours?

The First Time...

2004-12-02T03:55:00.000+08:00

The weather was just right--sunny, but not humid. I was really hesitant, afraid, scared of the unknown. What if things don't turn out the way I expect it to be? The truth is I don't know what to expect at all. We had a long talk as he was trying to convince me while I was crying for I am not at ease with the plan...not at all.

After giving it much thought, I said yes. I learned to trust him that everything will be alright. He said that he'll always be there for me no matter what happens. He held my hand as we entered the room. I was made to lie down, lower my pants, and remain calm. Anticipation got the best of me.

And then it started...

As soon as I felt it, I covered my mouth with my left hand to tone down my noises--tears were rushing as I couldn't handle it. It really made me want to scream out loud. My other hand was clenched; my nails nearly piercing through my palm. I was breathing so hard as I looked away...I couldn't dare myself to see what was happening. I wanted to stop everything but I know it's impossible...I had already committed to it. When will it end? When will this stop? I am in pain!

He then reached for my hand, held it so tight. I glanced at him and saw those reassuring eyes. Soon enough, it was over.

Undergoing surgery really sucks! (Boys and girls...what was on your mind, you naughty, naughty you?! Tsk tsk...hehe) This is a true story...my story when I went under the knife for the first time yesterday. Although it's considered a minor surgery, the pain wasn't minor at all! I underwent what they called Incision & Drainage--literally, they incised and placed a drain--on what they called my suprapubic area. Are you imagining how sensitive that area is? Well, it sure is!

Oh, and the "he" in my story is Pow. He really proved how much he loves me--he was so courageous to watch the entire procedure without fainting and to learn how to change my wound dressing. He fulfilled his promise that he'll be there for me no matter what happens. I really appreciated what he did and still is appreciating the things he's doing for me. (I love you, hon!)

If you'll ask how I am...I'm in pain, under medication, and cannot walk properly--which is the real bummer for I have to cancel all my appointments for this week that could've earned me easy money!

(Sidebar: Just before the doctor was about to "slice" me, a man was brought in. He was not breathing and so stiff [yup, dead on arrival]--the very last thing I would want to see as I was lying there all prepped, draped, and ready to be "cut" huh?!)

Bonded for Decades

2004-11-28T05:46:00.000+08:00

We've known each other since the mid-80's...back when we were still oh-so-young--riding our bicycles, learning to play volleyball everyday during summer, having picnics and slumber parties, donning either Sunday dresses or shorts + tucked T-shirt (don't forget the bushy eyebrows). I can go on-and-on, but I'm sure you all know what I'm talking about...everybody passed the 80's craze. (Sidebar: Have you noticed how the kids nowadays aren't fashion-victims like we were then?) Anyway, that was when nothing really mattered except having fun at school, at home, wherever...we were just so naive about a lot of things.

The 90's came...we were still pretty young--still riding our bicycles, playing volleyball in respective varsity teams, yadda yadda yadda...but now I'll mention the tapered jeans + T-shirt era (still not forgetting the bushy eyebrows; okay, okay...the bushy eyebrows were gone by the late 90s). Pressure sets in upon entering college--family issues, tons of schoolwork, even puppy-love (admit it...it had some stress factor to it). In effect, we spent more time talking about our individual lives.

At Banana Leaf Curry House[supersize]
Joy, Aia, Kay, Chie, Darl

And then the now...we still wanna be considered young--no more bicycles, playing volleyball only when time permits, donning more fashionable outfits. More decisions are being made. More stressors are being encountered (this time including relationships). We are at the crossroads of our lives where we have to decide which path to take, hoping it will lead us to greener pasteurs. The "real world" (either earning money or building a professional life) proves to be really challenging.

At Gloria Jean's[supersize]
Darl, Kay, Chie, Joy, Aia

Amidst everything that has happened, keeping the friendship intact was never a difficult task. We still manage to get together once in a while just to see how each one is doing. It sure is a wonderful feeling to have such great friends. Till the next get together...(I hope we'll be complete then)

Dreams: Paranoia or premonition?

2004-11-25T02:23:00.000+08:00

I do not recall my dreams...Does that say anything about me? When I do, which is a rare occasion, it's a nightmare. I wake up breathing heavily with my pulse and heartbeat in a race. Sometimes I wake up in tears and needing comfort. Then I become frightened of the thought that maybe it's a premonition, a vision, a prophecy of some sort. Then my thought shifts...Maybe I brought it on to myself--paranoia, perhaps. Which is which? Or is it a combination of both? I wonder...

Recently (and surprisingly I remembered), I dreamt that I was holding this small velvet box, opening it, and finding a diamond ring. I was shocked, ecstatic, flabbergasted (c'mon, girls, empathize)! The ring fit perfectly and looked so beautifully on my finger. Everything went to a halt; it's like the world stopped turning. Hands were getting clammy. Heart was pounding. Tears were forming. I was breathless.

And then I woke up...right before I could blurt out anything or even take a glimpse of the co-star in my dreamland. I checked my finger...No ring. But it all seemed so real.

The entire day, I was pondering, trying to interpret that dream...Could it be happening any time soon? Could it be that I'm just pressured by people asking me about it? Could it be that I'm afraid of not having it at all? Could it be that I'm pretending to be someone else?

Endless questions...Not a single answer.

I attempted further and came across this site, which was very insightful. It had an interpretation on rings. I was actually appeased with what I read--doubts turning into positive and fruitful realizations. I know better not to rely on these things...but hey, for someone who's in the pursuit of tranquility at this moment, it's all good!

Zips™ Mania

2004-11-19T04:47:00.000+08:00

Thanks, Pam, for introducing this rave-ish/gymnastic-ish/martial art-ish craze.

Rave: Movement. Gymnastics: Grace. Martial Arts: Skill.

I don't know with you guys...but this is a swell pastime (a stress reliever, too...right, Mahal? hehe). It may seem easy...but wait till you try it for the first time...Why so? Well, it requires major coordination, as well as intense patience for those times that you get hit on the head (repeatedly...been there...done that! haha). On a more positive note, it's very challenging because you'll be constantly seeking new moves to master once you get the hang of it; thus, the need for sheer determination and willpower. I had my first dose a while ago. And I'm pretty sure I'll have my second...third...fourth...and so on (isn't it obvious that I'm raving? hehe).

Here are snapshots of...

Pam

Peachy

Laida

Mahal

A call to choreographers: Great stunt to incorporate into your routine...don't you think? Just imagine the possibilities!

It's About Time...

2004-11-03T06:04:00.000+08:00

It's about time...we wake up with a smile on our faces having in mind that today is a brighter day, a new beginning, a clean page to capture our day's adventures. Stand tall and proud as we go through every step and be thankful that we are still given another day to live.

It's about time...we stop and notice the little things around us, to appreciate even the minutest details of our surroundings--that when combined, produce a wonderful picture. We should realize that each piece is a part of a large puzzle we call our "world" and it has its own purpose.

It's about time...we affect someone's day by uttering a mere "Hello" or a simple "Have a nice day"--a powerful and effective way to spread optimism, a means of networking positive vibes across a vast population. We can never pay back; but we can always pay forward.

It's about time...we open our minds to new ideas, to accommodate change, to learn with every step we take as we unravel ourselves to the world. Growing as a person entails that we entertain (not necessarily accept) suggestions and keep them bookmarked for future references.

It's about time...we free ourselves of any emotional baggage that has been holding us back and pulling us down--and finally feel relieved, satisfied, liberated. We oftentimes feel burdened of unnecessary thoughts and worries that we tend to forget that the world is still moving.

It's about time...we make a difference in the world, to dream big, to strive to be better. Let it be known to everyone that we cease to have mediocre lives, that we have so much more to offer. "Great things start from small beginnings."

It's about time...we grab each opportunity we get to look into someone's eyes and sincerely say "I love you" paired with a hug and a kiss for there's no telling when the last chance will be...

Still Holding On...

2004-10-28T03:28:00.000+08:00

Is convincing myself that I made the right decision just a long, winding, painstaking journey to the supposedly unhappy ending? Am I just prolonging the agony? I know there are no guarantees in life; otherwise, everybody will be living complacently and I wouldn't be writing this piece. But this time, I need a sign that I'm actually on the right track...that's all I need.

Despite the yearning for a sign, at times I view myself as just needing some sort of assurance (well, okay...constant assurance) that everything will be alright, that I won't have to carry the burden all by myself, that soon enough Happiness will come knocking again on my door.

Remember that ray of light? How do I hold on to it? I don't want to creep back into that dark and lonely place. I want to be liberated from all the strings that pull me down and make me feel all too miserable...but I don't know how. If only there's an "Overhauling Your (Love) Life for Dummies" or an indexed guide of "Solutions to ALL (Love) Life's Problems"...I would buy me a copy (even copies to share with fellow troubled souls). Unfortunately, no one in his right mind would ever attempt to venture in that area. Yes, a few have tried but none succeeded.

To hope is what I do best nowadays...hoping that tomorrow will be a brighter day, that somehow my point will come across and progress will be realized, that certain things will change for the better, that bad habits will be eliminated, etc. But when I try to dissect my thoughts, I get confused...because at this stage, there's a very thin line between Hope and Expectation and I can't help but cross--instead of hoping that this person will understand me, I unintentionally expect it to happen!

I guess I still have to work on my compartmentalizing skills...(sigh)

Oh well...here's to another attempt to document my sentiments...Cheers!

"I'm F.I.N.E."

2004-10-19T02:08:00.000+08:00

"Are you okay?" is one of the gauges that someone took a peek inside the entwined feelings of a distraught being versus the automatically blurted-out conversation opener "How are you?" I try ever so hard to put on my happy mask, but it just won't happen...moreso when I am desperate to hide the confused side of me. My transparency is what makes people see as to where I am in the so-called wheel-of-fortune (or should I say misfortune?). Sheesh...

What's worse is I most often than not respond the ever famous "I'm fine..." then a fake smile...then an inner sigh. It's a hard habit to break.

I suddenly remember Italian Job mentioning that it's short for saying "I'm...Freaked Out Insecure Neurotic and Emotional"...maybe I am...

Let me share some more "fine" versions:

Feeling Inadequate, Needing Encouragement
Feelings Inside Not Expressed
Fickle Insecure Neurotic and Emotional
Foggy Insecure Neurotic Emotional
Fouled Up, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional
Frustrated Insecure Neurotic Emotional

The next time you hear me say that...stop for a while, decode my smile, look me in the eye, and take a peek inside my soul...

A Ray of Light...

2004-10-13T01:59:00.000+08:00

After spending much time pondering on what's happening with my life...I have finally seen a tinge of hope. I have realized that there's more to life than dwelling on the gloomy aspect of things. For the longest time, I was trying so hard to seem okay to everybody; I tried to keep my thoughts to myself, thinking that I don't want to bother other people with my so-called problems. I am the classic "I'm okay..I'm fine" kinda girl. But then it happened...I couldn't pretend anymore, I couldn't resist the need to confide, I couldn't stand that feeling of bursting into tears and just letting it all out...

And so I did.

As it turns out, venting out is the solution and it really keeps my mind open to options I hardly thought were possibilities. It is the very essence of having friends who are willing to listen (not necessarily understand) and to constantly remind me that there are two sides to every story...I need to realize that; of course, I get too caught up with my sob story.

This is the perfect timing to thank everyone who pitched in an advice or two to help me understand the twists and turns in my life. I can't say that I'm back to my old self...but I'm working on it.

Until such time...bear with me.

"Easier Said Than Done"

2004-10-08T03:04:00.000+08:00

Why is it that I never learn? Could it be that I still try to believe that I'm living in a fairy tale world full of sugar-coated dreams? I don't think so for I've been hurt a lot of times...but I'm not saying that I haven't hurt anyone before. Again and again, I fall for the same trap created by Expectation. If you ask me, one should not expect for it would end up causing more pain if it would yield an unfavorable result; you've probably heard me give that advice to a bunch of people.

I'm not perfect...but then again nobody is.

I'm now beginning to wonder what is wrong with me. I preach "Hope for the best...Expect the worst." Then again, why do I continuously find myself getting caught in the web of false hope and pretension? Maybe I'm not that strong a believer as I thought I am. It's as if I'm digging a hole too deep for me to climb out of -- a pit that is so dark and lonely. I tried to seek refuge...but I failed miserably. It was difficult to swallow my pride despite the great hurt I was feeling; I managed to...thinking that this was the solution. Just when I was starting to see a ray of light, everything caved in on me. Little did I know that my effort with good intention would turn out to be something I would regret doing.

It hurts...it really does.

I am in great conflict with myself. It's about time to straighten my priorities, align my principles with my actions, be assertive. With this being said...again, I am conflicting for I am still dwelling on the harsh reality of things. I must admit...I cannot do this alone; it's too heavy a burden for me to carry. I am scared.

An angel is what I need to break my fall...

F R I E N D S

2004-10-06T04:30:00.000+08:00

"Filled with humor and bittersweet emotion, the series finale of Friends finds Rachel, Monica, Phoebe, Joey, Chandler, and Ross embarking on the next chapters in their lives. The six of them have been there for each other through all the ups and downs of becoming adults. Now it's their last day together, a day of momentous events and last-minute surprises. Even as the friends make major decisions on their futures, there is a bond between them that will last forever -- no matter where their paths lead."

Yes, I am inflicted by the Friends syndrome for 10 years. How can you not get hooked? They have oh-so-different personalities--a naive, a ditzy, a clueless, an obsessive-compulsive...name it--but they manage to co-exist. I watched the final episode...and then watched the pilot episode which was included in the DVD. Wow! It sure is very amusing to see each one of them "evolve" through those years (with the thought of how I looked back then...not so amusing...haha!). Mind you all, I also watched the main-title segments--the intro--of all 10 seasons! (Yes...I didn't get irked by the repetitive "I'll be there for you...") It is just so sad that it all has to end...

Speaking of 10 years, I am really pleased and overwhelmed to know that I am still in touch with my peer from high school (Zobel batch '97)--I still get to hang with them, know what's up (and down) with their lives, listen to their stories, and most importantly bond. When you think of it, there is a Friend in all of us; I can either be Rachel, Monica, or even Phoebe at certain times in my life. Relating them to my own circle of friends...a couple finally broke the barrier of denial and just risked it. Let's focus on this a bit...in the ten years, they had fallen in and out of love trying to search for Mr./Ms. Right not knowing that that person has just been around the corner in all those years. A nice thought actually...very nice indeed. On another note, the group entered another chapter in their lives when a baby (or babies) arrived. To fill you in, our group is expecting a baby next year! I cannot and will not list all the comparisons, but I'll reiterate...we have all been a Friend one way or the other.

I can never and will never forget the times we spent back in high school where I was seeing them everyday (including weekends), where I just cared less about school stuff as long as I get my dose of talk-time and laughter with them, where it was pure fun! Then through college, where I got enrolled in a different university, which resulted in having less time with them, which in turn made me meet new friends...but then again, I still managed to see them; though not that often. Then now in the real world where each one is leading a different life, having new experiences, getting caught in the web of stress...but guess what, we still spend time! Not to brag...but how many groups do you know that survived 10 years...and still counting?! Bottomline...I am genuinely proud to have cherished such friends who share the same sentiments of preserving the bond despite differences...

2004-10-06T04:00:00.000+08:00

With my Friends at the traditional New Year's party/get-together at JV's (2003). Luv yah, guys! (",)

Caught on felt...

2004-10-04T04:56:00.000+08:00

(Pastel on felt by a Vince de Pio, 09/24/04) This was a new experience for me, and I liked it...I enjoyed posing and holding still while the artist was trying to capture my every feature and more importantly my expression and mood. This took roughly 30 minutes...and yes, I didn't move! I would really love to do this again...in hopes that I'll be in tip-top shape the next time. Thanks, Vince!

Oh! I remembered...this was also the time that I was running a fever. That whole week I was trying to accommodate every appointment possible thinking that I was superwoman! "It's all in the mind"...a thought that I was trying to shove in my head the whole day. I am not one who gets weakened by a measly fever or a bout of cough and cold; so, up to the last hour before going home, I was even drinking red wine at an art gallery opening thinking that it'll be the much-needed cure to my ailment...but then again maybe not for I had a temperature that went up to 40.1 that night! Indeed, another lesson learned...the hard way.

Korean U-K...the best!

2004-09-29T19:12:00.000+08:00

Well...here I am in makati where there was supposed to be a Korean ukay-ukay...But it got postponed I think for next week. The reason why I am so hyped to go is the fact that I had the time of my life the last time I checked it out! Man...for P120 I bought four pieces of clothing--two tops, a pair of dressy pants, and a slip dress...(but a friend did better by only shelling out P100 for four pieces!) "Wow" right?! I was really in heaven then...haha! I will wait in vain for the next one...I wouldn't let that pass for sure! (Sorry to my friends I invited over hoping to get that same shoppers' heavenly feeling...don't you worry for I'll make sure of the next one...*mwah*) I used to feel so uncomfortable buying from ukay-ukays but what the heck! They have a new items section for those grossed out to even consider the "specialties of the house"...and they're priced...well putting it in bargain shoppers' term...hellacheap! So...to those who got quite envious of this experience...don't you hesitate to holler for I'd be glad to share it with you! (",)

A song to share...

2004-09-28T04:38:00.000+08:00

The first-ever Alicia Keys concert in Manila will be held on October 9 (Araneta)!!! She is truly one of my favorite female singers together with Norah Jones (yeah...I'm into blues/jazz nowadays). The song below has a catchy tune, not to mention its interesting message of the verses about how people's lives are dictated by social standards...and not by one's happiness.

IF I AIN'T GOT YOU

Some people live for the fortune
Some people live just for the fame
Some people live for the power yeah
Some people live just to play the game
Some people think that the physical things
Define what's within
I've been there before
But that life's a bore
So full of the superficial

Some people want it all
But I don't want nothing at all
If it ain't you baby
If I ain't got you baby
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain't got you

Some people search for a fountain
Promises forever young
Some people need three dozen roses
And that's the only way to prove you love them
And in a world on a silver platter
And wondering what it means
No one to share, no one who truly cares for me

Some people want it all
But I don't want nothing at all
If it ain't you baby
If I ain't got you baby
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain't got you

Some people want it all
But I don't want nothing at all
If it ain't you baby
If I ain't got you baby
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain't got you

If I ain't got you with me baby
Nothing in this whole wide world don't mean a thing
If I ain't got you with me baby

Thinking out loud...

2004-09-03T04:03:00.000+08:00

I'm trying so hard to think everything's okay...But my true emotions never fail to surface...All those feelings are so mixed up inside...That I can't help but cry as I miss us...

Past is past...

2004-09-03T02:51:00.000+08:00

This pic was shot I believe two years ago at Baracco Cafe in Malate (back in the day when we were really living our lives to the fullest! Friendly friends who join us everyday...you know who you are..hehe). Note how I was chubby then (I refuse to say "fat"...my choice, not yours). Then the wheel turned...for it's Pao's chance at double chin and love handles! Haha =P We're such a sweet couple huh? Who would have thought we would last...you know what they say about couples who met at...ahem...bars..heehee! Y'all know that incident, right? Well if not...I won't tell! Haha =P

The Person I Am Today

2004-09-03T01:32:00.000+08:00

***I'll share with you parts of my journal of two years. I recently found it tucked away in my room collecting dust. Reading through it, I discovered how wonderful my life really is despite the constant hurdles, stumbles, falls I encounter in my relationship. It sure does take me back to the past as I reminisce through all the experiences...and then I find myself smiling...(",)

You are more important to me than you know.
And just because you don't hear it very often doesn't make it less true.

Having you for a 'husband' gives me a sense of security...
Now I know you won't disappear the moment I really need you.
Now I know I can be myself and you won't judge me or reject me.
Now I know I can count on you to be honest with me no matter what.

These things I feel to be true. All worries vanish because of you.
Above all, I know it's because you not only want the best for me...
But also the best for us, too...

***That moment was the turning point where I just had to let go of all my fears into committing again as I have undergone enough hurt and pain...(or so I thought..)

Everything is so wonderful.
Everything is so new.
I can't believe this is happening--
A feeling so true.
I've loved before...
Yes, it's true.
But nothing compares
To the one I have with you.
Never been like this.
Never felt this way.
To me you are the world.
And I'd gladly prove it any day...

***Yes, I've had relationships before but I didn't let those stop me from trying again. And it turned out that I'm actually capable of loving beyond the limit I thought I had reached in the past.

Why do people argue? Why do couples find themselves tangled in what seems to be an unresolvable predicament? Why? Where does the hurt come from? Is it because we cease to listen? Or is it the persistent tug of insecurity which causes either or both to fall in a deep pit? It truly is hard to comprehend the twisted ways of life...or love for that matter. Will there ever come a time when love does not entail hurt? I hope so. But if not, then I would have to endure all the hurt there is because that's how much love I have to give...

***I was beginning to get tired of trying to make everything perfect...

The continuous struggle to live and be better lies within me. But the inspiration to initiate the struggle is all because of you...

***This is so true. One needs something or someone to inspire him to achieve. In my case, I needed him the most...

After all I've done, why does it have to happen to me? Why is it that I feel so alone? So unwanted? So depressed? The one true person I love deeply couldn't comprehend what I'm going through. I feel like giving up...no one seems to help me hang on...not even you. I feel so worthless now...not needed by anyone. Why? I don't even have someone to talk to, to listen as I pour my heart's content out. Every night I just flood my eyes with tears in hopes of feeling better. But as days pass, I feel even worse, not knowing the consequences of the weight I'm bearing. If you could please help me...anyone?

All I ever wanted was to feel my worth, to feel important, to feel needed. The whole time I poured everything out--my time, my effort, my pride, my wealth. It was never expected that I'd end up like this...like trash. I never regret it though that I did everything because I truly love doing those. Martyrdom for some...Unconditional love for me. How I wish for my life to arrange its components into its corresponding places. Let me feel my worth...so that I may know my true value in your life...

***Pride--the number one cause of conflicts. I sure had a hefty dose of that! I just didn't want to admit that...which of course brought us into greater dilemma.

It may seem that giving up is the only solution to all the hurt, the pain, the anger. But when you really analyze and internalize things, it all does seem that they're all changes and twists of growth in a relationship. Time really is of essence. But Love prevails all odds. As i think of it, love is neither good or bad. Love is truth...think of it. It depends on how one lets it grow in his heart and how he shares it with the being Love chooses. Yes, we don't decide. Love does. It just is up to us on how we hold onto it, take care of it, and let it grow.

***I then realized that nothing indeed is perfect...nothing will ever be. There is a balance of all things in this world--Yin and Yang. I just needed to understand that turmoil exists amidst the constant need to mask it to achieve happiness.

***I sure had to learn things the hard way...but it was all worth it because hadn't it happened this way, I won't be the kind of person I am today...

Halfway...

2004-08-30T03:56:00.001+08:00

Halfway through the journey comes a twist
The happiness and excitement are gone
In comes sadness and anxiousness
As I watch the rising and setting of the sun.

The wait seems longer now than before
The nights alone are gloomier
Nothing drives me to be cheerful
For I get scarred over and over...

Love lost...

2004-08-27T03:00:00.001+08:00

Why do I feel so betrayed?
It's as if I deserve it...
Be the one to tell if I do,
Then I'd move on and accept it.

I keep on falling for the same trap.
Over and over, I'd feel this way
I'd have to learn my lesson soon
Or end up being unhappy and dismayed.

A broken promise, a broken vow
That's what this is all about.
I thought the foundation is strong
But the weaknesses all came out.

I expected Love to conquer all
That's what I believe in
But I guess Love just got tired
For in life, one can't always win.

Thank you...

2004-08-26T00:30:00.001+08:00

Thank you for being honest
For telling me how you truly feel
For reassuring me you'd always be there
Through thick and thin.

I enjoyed our conversation
The exchange of lovely words
For professing your true emotions
Amidst our place in the world.

You've given me more than a ray of light
And for that I am truly grateful.
You've lifted my spirits so high
And I love you more than ever.

I find myself smiling now
Despite the distance between us
All because of our great love
And that in the end, it'll still be us...

I need you...

2004-08-25T02:00:00.001+08:00

I need someone to talk to
Someone who'll understand my sentiments
Someone to hold my hand
And keep me safe in this darkness.
I feel so lost and hopeless
Not knowing where to go
Hoping for a sign
That I can make it on my own.
I need you to be that person
Who'll give me assurance and warmth
Who'll wipe away my tears
Saying we'll never grow apart...

Bothered...

2004-08-21T01:30:00.001+08:00

Here I am again...
Trying to release what I'm feeling inside
And it still stands...
That I wish you're by my side.

Same old scenario--
The radio turned on to break the silence
As I lay in this bed
Praying to Him to shed some brightness.

There aren't any words
To really explain my true emotions.
Even as I journal them daily
They're still inside causing much commotion.

I'm really bothered by all this
This is way beyond my league
I wouldn't know what to do
If ever you'd decide to leave...

Fears...

2004-08-20T01:30:00.001+08:00

Why do I feel this way?
Why does it hurt so much?
It's as if I'm trying to cope
With a loss of a loved one.
The distance is killing me slowly
Something I truly cannot handle
The time is another factor
Which I cannot push to go faster.
I'm afraid of where this would lead us.
Truly scared of the worst possibility.
We might end up changing ourselves
And drifting apart totally.
It's hard to convince myself
That the connection between us is strong
A very tiring effort indeed
But I'm hoping still that I'm wrong...

Distance...

2004-08-19T01:45:00.001+08:00

You are halfway around the world
Vast lands and seas are between us
Can you just imagine how hard it is
To overcome this distance?
I love you so very much
And that's what I hold on to
But it's rather difficult that I'm here
Waiting for you to say you love me, too.

I'm crazy...Feeling sorry for myself...

2004-08-18T02:30:00.001+08:00

For a time I was laughing
But for the most part I am lonely
Wishing that Time would be so kind
To just fly by so fast--in a hurry.

I know I should be helping myself
Believe me, I'm trying my best
But I can't fool myself nor can I lie
That everything is okay and I'm fine.

If only I could fall in a deep sleep
Long enough while you're away, I would.
This is just so hard for me to bear--
Thinking you should be here, not there.

Love really has its ways--
It can bring two people together
But it can also bring them apart
To test if they belong to each other.

I hope and pray...

2004-08-17T02:30:00.001+08:00

I've been trying to live on a daily basis
Not knowing what to do on the morrow
Trying to survive the long hours of the day
Conquering the sadness and the sorrow

You are always my strength
You've always been my inspiration
Keeping my spirits alive
Oh, Lord, help me in this situation

I pray our love will grow stronger
Amidst the distance, the separation
And upon your return to me
I hope things will be better as you envisioned

I have nothing...

2004-08-14T01:00:00.001+08:00

All the love is cooped up inside of me...Waiting to burst, waiting for you.
I feel so uneasy and anxious...Just thinking how long the wait will be.

As of the moment, I have nothing--Nothing to smile about nor to laugh at.
It's as if my life's monotonous, uneventful...For you are my everything.

Constantly, you're on my mind...

2004-08-13T03:00:00.001+08:00

I never thought it would come to this.
Never have I imagined we'd have time apart,
Nor will I feel so devastated
Knowing you'll be somewhere very far.

I believe in us--in what we have.
I believe our love will conquer all.
But what I want to believe in is...
Do I have enough strength to live alone...?

A day without you is a day I feel lonely.
Magnify it times eight weeks
Imagine how heavy and frustrating
The burden of missing you will be.

I've been trying to put on paper my emotions.
But I can't really capture the depth.
You are missed, that's the bottomline
And I'll love you dearly till the end of time...

Someday...

2004-08-12T02:20:00.001+08:00

Counting the days till I see you,
Anticipating the joy and the happiness.
But until that moment comes,
I'll forever be embraced with sadness.

You mean everything to me.
Cliche as it sounds but it's real.
To be away from you just brings me to tears.
Hoping you'll be home when the sun appears.

Emptiness is all I feel inside.
Trying to cope with the sudden loss of you.
But I know you'll return to me someday,
And we'll be smiling and be forever thankful...

If only...

2004-08-11T03:00:00.001+08:00

It's been ten days since you left.
I still feel shattered and depressed.
It seems like yesterday when I had to let you go.
All because I love you that I let you grow.

Yes, I've had my share of laughter,
From being with my friends from different circles.
But you're still in my mind and heart,
That I'd choose to spend those times with you.

I heard your voice and my heart pounded with glee.
As I have longed for that sound ever since.
I closed my eyes, pretended you were near.
But reality struck and brought me down to tears.

If only I could be there with you, I would;
For in your voice sensed the same loneliness.
If only I could hug you and kiss you I would;
For that is the only cure to this sadness.

Misery...

2004-08-07T01:10:00.001+08:00

Since you left, I've had sleepless nights
With tears on my pillow, with you in my mind.
I've been trying to see beyond the misery,
But it's just too damn hard for me.

Hear me out as I say this over and over:
"I'd give anything just to have you here."
I would love to see your face again,
To hold you in my arms; your voice I long to hear.

You're my bestfriend, my soulmate, my everything.
Letting you go is one thing I'd never do.
But here I am...alone and miserable.
For I have yet to learn its value.

This temporary loss seems like forever.
My world just stopped turning when you stepped off.
Now I'm still figuring out how to go on,
When I'm drained of all the strength and hope...

My sun doesn't shine without you...

2004-08-06T02:15:00.001+08:00

Listening to the radio to dull the silence
Caused by your absence from my sight.
Instead it makes me more lonely and sad
As the songs talk of how I feel inside.

The tunes take me away to another place--
A place I thought would calm me down.
But I begin to miss the times we had,
When we would just listen and dance.

I wish I took that offer to dance with you
Under the beautiful stars above us
With the music enveloping our love.
How can I let it pass?

I would love to have that chance again.
To be able to move with the sound
To be able to close my eyes and let you lead.
Just to have you here...

I'm mad...

2004-08-05T04:00:00.001+08:00

Why does this have to happen? Why now? Why me?
I can't help but question Him for deciding this.
I'm in so much pain, so much anger.
But there's nothing I can do...

You have no idea what I'm going through.
It may seem to you that you do.
But do you feel it? You're only thinking it.
I hate all of this for where it brought us.

It's so frustrating having to wait,
Thinking tomorrow is still not the day.
I'm beginning to get tired of counting
Thinking it has only been three days.

Oh, Lord, please help me day by day.
I can't bear the hurt and all this pain.
Let me listen to what You have to say,
For I want to feel relieved and saved.

You are missed...

2004-08-04T01:25:00.001+08:00

As I lay in bed, I think of how your hugs feel.
There's this emptiness all because you're not here.
I miss you more as I embrace your pillow,
Even more as I smell the scent you left behind.

Our home suddenly became too big for me.
Wherever I go, I have memories of you.
All the more I'm missing you as I imagine you here.
Wish you'd return to me soon...

We can't even rely on the moon to connect us
Because we're on opposite sides of the world.
Nor can I gaze at the stars in the sky.
Hoping we'll be wishing on the same one.

This is such a long wait to see you again,
To have you here beside me,
To smell your scent once more,
To embrace all that you are...

I'm tired. I'm sad. I'm worried.

2004-08-03T01:10:00.001+08:00

Everyone probably thinks I'm overreacting--including you.
But I'm only being truthful, being honest, being real.
God knows how much I long for you.
He has been the only witness of the pain as I let you go.

I'm tired of trying to release the hurt.
I'm sad because I need you right now.
I'm worried of how much change will occur.
I'm only being me...

I regard this day as one of the worst days.
Seeing you off just tore me apart.
I kept on calling on Him for strength.
Something I know I need the most.

Please help me get through this rough time.
My foundation just shattered, crumbled; I'm broken.
I don't know how to pick up the pieces.
Lord, please help me...